The other day, Jose Canseco hypothesized that global warming could have saved Titanic. Now we find out he’s been trying to hook-up with girls through Twitter’s direct messaging system for the past few months despite have a girlfriend (I think?). Nothing has come of it because this is Jose Canseco we’re talking about. The only way he’d hook-up with a girl is if he attached an actual hook to them and dragged them away kicking and screaming.

The first girl he tried to flirt with was Jamila Marie who was mocking him at first. The conversation went:

Canseco: Your the best
Jamila: you are! your twitter is so great
Canseco: Thank you can I c ur face
Jamila: I changed my profile picture – check now
Canseco: Sorry I have a girlfriend I made a huge mistake

This was her profile picture by the way.

Canseco backed out of that? That chick is hot and she has a falcon on her wrist. A f*cking falcon, man!

The foremost concern on everybody’s mind is “will Demi Moore change her Twitter handle now that she’s divorcing Ashton Kutcher?” Well, Demi has your answer and it’s no, probably not.

@MrsKutcher tweeted, “changing my twitter name isn’t a top priority right now. sorry it bothers so many of u. should I not tweet until I do?does it really matter?”

No, it doesn’t matter. You’ll just BURN IN HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY if you don’t. Oops, sorry for that. I was just practicing for whenever a story of Megan Fox being pregnant comes out and she refuses to get an abortion.

All hail the new queen, Kelly Brook. Adrianne Curry had her time in the spotlight as winner of Twitter but now it’s time for her to step aside because Kelly Brook just shoved her off the podium into a pool of Jell-O and declared herself #1.

Kelly Brook, who isn’t yet verified, wanted to prove to a follower it was really her updating @IAMKELLYBROOK. And what better way than an Instagram shot of herself half-naked in her bathroom?

If I was Twitter, I wouldn’t verify her just yet. I’d ask to see more proof. Maybe a full frontal pic perhaps. For Twitter verification purposes of course. They, uh, need to run some complex algorithms. You wouldn’t understand, Kelly Brook. Just go with it.

This is very good news. Samuel L. Jackson has finally joined the 140 character or less blogging service Twitter. Probably to promote The Avengers. He’s @SamuelLJackson and each update is as hilarious as you’d expect. Samplings include,

- Can-a muh fukkasay fuck on here?
- I got gnats in my muthafukkin’ dressing room!
- U know dats my shit MYFRIEND! U MONEYFONDLER U!
- I’m feelin’ da love! U got a muhfukka all choked up!

It’s unclear whether he’ll consistently update but I’ll be sitting on the edge of my muthafukkin seat waiting for these muthfaukkin’ gnats to get out of my room until he does.

Amanda Bynes quit Twitter a little while ago and threatened to quit acting but now she’s back with tweets like “”Like attracts like. Whatever energy we put out into the world is precisely the energy we get back.”

She’s also posting pictures of herself in a bikini so, yes, I CAN look past those quotes that she thought were deep and profound because “fun with wigs” makes up for them.

He’s already amassed more than a million followers in a day and released a bunch of random tweets about WINNING but tweeting about how awesome he is is not why he joined Twitter. Want to know the real reason Charlie Sheen started typing 140 characters with his fire breathing fists? For the money. Sheen told TMZ Twitter is a “cash cow” and that he can make tons of money off of advertising. Pressed for more detail, he told TMZ “I’m unemployed!”

That is to say, he’s come to terms he’ll never go back to Two and a Half Men and has resorted to promoting hot dogs at baseball games.

In an attempt to wash those puffy lipped candids from the other day out of everyone’s mouths, Kim Kardashian tweeted this picture of her breasts before a photoshoot. She wrote, “Photo shoot time! @JasonofBH jewels and red lips! #2sexy2tweet?”

The best thing about celebrities is they have a fragile ego and seek constant approval so they go out and post pics like this. Thank god for low self-esteem.

Hope you’re enjoying your Labor Day weekend because Kanye West sure did. He went on Twitter on Saturday to post a long missive crying about how everyone thinks he’s an asshole and a racist even though he’s not. He pecked away at his keyboard 140 characters at a time and made a million updates. Doesn’t this dude have a website? His rant after the jump.

“Man I love Twitter… I’ve always been at the mercy of the press but no more… The media tried to demonize me. They wanted yall to believe I was a monster in real life so you guys wouldn’t listen or buy my music anymore. I feel like they were waiting for the opportunity to go in all the way on me and when it came they beat me to a pulp.

Even now a lot of articles start there first 2 paragraphs about how much of an asshole I am. I accept the idea (ideal) that perception is reality. When I say perception is reality I mean whatever you think is the truth… is your truth. Some people’s truth is Kanye is racist… It’s not my truth but I do believe it’s my Karma…. walk with me…

Even though the NBC telethon was widely praised yall didn’t think they was just gone let me get away with that did yall???!!! With the help of strong will, a lack of impathy, a lil alcohol and extremely distasteful & bad timing … I became George Bush over night.

How deep is the scar… I bled hard.. cancelled tour with the number one pop star in the world … closed the doors of my clothing office. Had to let employees go… for the first time I felt the impact of my brash actions … I felt the recession from an ownership side.

People booed when I would go to concerts and the performer mentioned my name. Remember in Anchor Man when Ron Burgandy cursed on air and the entire city turned on him? But this wasn’t a joke. This was & is my real life. There are people who don’t dislike me… they absolutely hate me!

I was chilling with this white girl having a conversation and she cut me off and said… Hold up… I thought you didn’t like us?! That’s when you realize perception is reality. I’ve been straying from this subject on twitter but I have to give it to you guys raw now.

If you google Asshole my face may very well pop up 2 pages into the search. Some people say… Why worry about “the haters?” This is bigger that just the concept of haters. I have a mission in life to bring truth and beauty through my music and the visuals that anchor around it. The media has successfully diminished the “receptive” audience of (3rd person)… KANYE WEST…taking a 15 second blip the mdeia have successfully painted the image of the “ANGRY BLACK MAN’ The King Kong theory.

I’m the guy who at one point could perform the Justin Timberlake on stage and everyone would be sooo happy that I was there.

People tweeted that they wish I was dead… No listen. They wanted me to die people. I carry that. I smile and take pictures through that. I wear my scars… It’s almost like I have to where a suit to juxtapose my image and I won’t lie… IT WORKS!

I wrote a song for Taylor Swift that’s so beautiful and I want her to have it. If she won’t take it then I’ll perform it for her. She had nothing to do with my issues with award shows. She had no idea what hit her. She’s justa lil girl with dreams like the rest of us. She deserves the apology more than anyone. Thank you Biz Stone and Evan Williams for creating a platform where we can communicate directly.

We’re both artist and the media and managers are trying to get between us. Everyone wants to capitalize off this is some way. I’m ready to get out of my own way. The ego is overdone… it’s like hoodies.

I know there are family members friends and fans that have literally fought for me. There are people who have named there kids after me… can you imagine that next day in school. Even though I don’t have kids…

I am responsible for those who love and represent me and what they have to deal with on a day to day defending “The American Psycho”. I watched Justin Timberlake at the Grammies loose every televised award including album of the year which the Dixie Chicks won. I would have ran on stage for Justin that night because Sexy Back (in my mind) was that important… that impactful to our culture. It’s not about race America. No one in our position ever stands up and says anything anymore. I have given my awards to other groups multiple times on national TV… They never showed that this past year during the massacre of Kanye.

Who’s seen the play Wicked? I’ve seen it 4 times! Other than loving the music acting and costumes… it’s my story!!! The Wicked witch of the west basically is so convicted to tell her’ truth when she does it she is outcasted by society and turned WICKED.

With new found humility … who am I to run on stage? I would never ever again in a million years do that. Sorry to let you down. It is distasteful to cut people off as a general rule. What’s the point of dressing tastefully if I’m going to act the complete opposite? Yes I was that guy. A 32 year old child.

When I woke up from the crazy nightmare I looked in the mirror and said GROW UP KANYE … I take the responsibility for my actions. I am not a bad person. Even in that moment I was only trying to do good but people don’t always need my help. Beyonce didn’t need that. MTV didn’t need that and Taylor and her family friends and fans definitely didn’t want or need that.

These aren’t regular tweets… this is stream of consciousness … I want you guys to know and feel where my head is at… It feels like the movie Heat when you wanted Deniro to make it… You want the bad guy to make it. These tweets have no manager, no publicist , no grammar checking… this is raw.

Humanity and Empathy are 2 of the 4 principles at facebook. Those were the 2 principles I was missing on that evening. Why are there so many tweets? Well this isn’t a simple subject. There are layers to this beyond me running on stage. You’ve got the top layer… Kanye’s rude!

If I speak in 3rd person it’s because I’m quoting people sometimes I forget to put the quotations you know my grammar.. #ITSAPROCESS

You’ve got a layer of order… this is how things are spose to go this is how it’s always been etc. You’ve got a layer of… What is reality? You really want this guy to die over an award show???!! wooooooow ….. You’ve got the Media play… Who benefitted off of the moment? MTV? JAY LENO? BEYONCE? ALL FORMS OF MEDIA? TAYLOR? KANYE WEST? Who gained? Who lost?

Walk with me people… let’s break this down for real now. I might get in trouble again lol? WHO BENEFITED FOR REAL PEOPLE???!!!!!!!! A year later where do we stand? There’s a layer of… hey Kanye said what I was thinking. There’s a layer of… Entertainment… we are entertainers and this is only TV… not the War. Why was it made into such a race issue. Taylor loves rap music… I love country music.

I’ve hurt, I’ve bled, I’ve learned. I only want to do good. I am passionate I am human I am real. I wish I could meet every hater. I wish I could talk to every hater face to face and change there a opinion of me one conversation at a time. I wish they all knew how much I really cared about music and pop culture and art and peoples feelings.

I wish they could accept that I’ve grown and only want to do good for the world. I want to help as many people as I can. I want to help starting with the music and ending with the smile. I want to win there hearts back so I can continue to bring my take on culture to the masses with a clean opinion.

It starts with this…

I’m sorry Taylor.”

The one thing you can take away from this is that ellipsis is the new caps lock.

Lindsay Lohan went on a forced Twitter sabbatical when she was sent to jail and rehab. Now that she’s out she can tweet to her heart’s content. Here are her first words: “Clearly.. Paparazzi shouldn’t be allowed to take pictures or video while someone’s driving or at a stop light. 4every1′s sake #trafficpolice”

You know what else shouldn’t be allowed? Lindsay Lohan behind the wheel of a Maserati after she hijacked a SUV and drove around drunk. But here we are doing these things that we shouldn’t be doing. Funny how life works.

Now unemployed, Conan O’Brien has tons of time for new hobbies. Like joining Twitter, posting an update and never returning. His first tweet is a sad one: “Today I interviewed a squirrel in my backyard and then threw to commercial. Somebody help me.” Ironically, the squirrel is probably a better guest than all of Leno’s combined.

This morning on Twitter Tila Tequila announced that she fell and dented her skull. She said she might not be tweeting for a while. In Tila speak, that means about 36 hours. Lest you be concerned for Tila, below is an animated gif of how it MIGHT happened. All together now: Buahahahahah!

Update: Old video? Maybe. But still hilarious.

All that updating has taken a toll on Chris Brown and has led to him deleting his Twitter account. The last thing he posted before he threw a hissy fit and left was “I LOVE YALL. GOODBYE!!!!!!!!!!!!” No word on why he deleted his account, but inside sources say it’s because he’s a whiny little bitch.

This move comes after Brown’s tirade last week about how major retail stores were blackballing his new album Graffiti. The deletion of the account could mean two things. Brown’s record company got worried and told him to stop sounding like a butthurt 10-year-old or this is something a butthurt 10-year-old would do.

Last week Miley Cyrus abruptly deleted her Twitter account leaving millions of pre-teens lost and confused and search for new meaning in their Twitter stream. At first, people speculated that her new boyfriend Liam Hemsworth forced her off because he disapproved of the site. In the video she released, Miley says that’s not the case.

Twitter is not the only thing I am cutting back on. This is not an attack against this particular site, I just think kids all over the world could maybe take a little vacation from Cyberspace. My problem with the internet is it makes negativity so available. It allows people to anonymously hurt others without any consequences. That is not the real world. Not only that, but if we spent more time enjoying what we are doing besides tweeting about it, we would enjoy our lives a whole lot more. I have very little free time and the moments that I do have I should be spending with my family and friends and loving every minute of their company.

Miley explains that one day she and Hemsworth were having a deep, meaningful conversation about a fake Twitter account someone created under his name and Liam made her realize that she was wasting time on the site. So, really, Liam didn’t force her off. He just tricked her into quitting the site. Sort of like how an adult uses their superior intellect to coerce a child into cleaning their room or getting into an unmarked, white van. I imagine Liam just used a bunch of big, confusing words that Miley giggled at.