Uma Thurman is still pregnant in St. Barts and she’s still diving off of yachts. So if you came here for sexy pictures of Uma Thurman in a bikini, let me be the one to break it to you. These are not it.

You may have heard Uma Thruman is pregnant. You may have also heard she likes boats. Suddenly these pictures make a lot of sense.

Check out Uma chugging that wine. She’s so sophisticated. I bet she beer bongs Perrier with her pinky up.

Uma Thurman showed up at the UNICEF Snowflake Ball the other day and I don’t know the express purpose of this event but if it was “look at Uma Thurman’s breasts,” then it was a rousing success.

Here’s a commercial Uma Thurman did for Schweppes. It’s pretty bad. Why they even asked Uma Thurman to be in this is beyond me but they had to go and use the awful joke of Schweppes sound like sex. First off, was this filmed on the Titanic? Why is she lying there dressed like that? Does the commercial even work if the viewer doesn’t want to have sex with Uma? And what exactly are the French good at?

Terrible news, Uma Thurman fan. Uma broke off her engagement to multimillionaire Arpad “Arki” Busson on Nov. 15. After a year engagement, the two still remain “friends”. Whatever that means. PEOPLE speculate that perhaps the distance was too great and my charm too powerful.

The New York Post has a different take. They say Arki lost a chunk of his fortune in the Madoff scam and Uma wanted to go back to work. This or that led to an argument, Uma walked out and Busson decided he had enough and cut his losses. He’s now “beside himself”. Looks like he’ll have to find comfort in the breasts of one of the hundreds of models aboard his private yacht. How will he ever manage? Who will date him for his money now?

Uma Thurman was on a cruise in Corsica with her millionaire Swiss boyfriend the other day and she thought it would be cool to make fun of the starving kids in Ethiopia. The Daily Mail says it’s because she just stuffed herself, but I know mockery when I see it. Shame on you and your distended stomach Uma. How can you be so insensitive?

In April 2000, Uma Thurman signed a two-year deal with French cosmetics giant Lancome in which she would make $5.8 million for the first two years and $3.1 million for each additional year. The contract lapsed and Lancome affiliates continued to use Uma’s name and face to promote their products. Uma demanded $1 million for the unauthorized use. Now Lancome, in a surprise move, has filed suit against Uma Thurman. The suit alleges “the contract relieves the company of responsibility if third parties use her name and face after the contract lapses.” Uma’s lawyer responded with:

“I thought we were negotiating in good faith,” Fields said Thursday. “I guess the French decided to strike a pre-emptive blow.”

I was confused when I read this because initially I thought Lancome sued Uma for being so ugly. Evidently, that was not the case, but it should have been.

Here are a few old pictures of Uma Thurman making out with a guy at the beach. Watching Uma thrust her tongue down a guy’s throat is pretty awkward. She shouldn’t be doing this kind of stuff. In public, at least. It’s sort of like watching a guy being seduced by an orangutan dressed in a black sequined dress. You can’t help but feel slightly sorry for the guy and embarrassed for the monkey. I mean, red pumps with a black dress? Come on!

Uma Thurman showed up at the Swarovski Fashion Rocks concert wearing a transparent dress so everyone could see her nipples. Big mistake. For me. For opening these up. I’d rather fondle a corpse in rigor than look at this. Plus, corpses don’t even run away! Note to celebs. It’s not hip to be ugly and naked. However, pretty and naked is still cool. I’m looking at you Jessica Alba. Pictures NSFW.

Uma Thurman was playing at the beach in one of the ugliest bikinis I have ever seen. It looks like she time traveled from 1950 and the brave new world shunned her so much, they threw her into the ocean. This isn’t even a bikini. All Uma did was start swimming in her granny panties. Honestly, I don’t know why I put so many more pictures after the jump. Bonus, Uma Thurman rocks the Britney ass.

Today the heavens bestow upon us a most beautiful sight. Can there be anyone sexier in a bikini than Uma Thurman? “No way,” cry the masses, “Those swinging udders are hawt!”. I tip my hat to these people for they have something I wish I had at this very moment. An abnormally strong gag reflex.

Evil Beet was describing some chick on American Idol talking about how her father is paralyzed after he shot himself and his wife. Is it wrong of me to laugh?

• Courtney Cox and Jennifer Aniston’s kiss on Dirt isn’t going to be as hot as everyone thought. Also, she tells some lies about her recent nose job. [Dlisted]
• Pete Doherty caught on tape shooting up after his Buddhist commitment ceremony with Kate Moss. It just doesn’t stop. [Yeeeah!]
• Dedication with Mandy Moore is good. Mandy Moore is on the upswing. [Pajiba]
• Mike Tyson checked into Lindsay Lohan’s Wonderland rehab. This should be fun. [Celebitchy]
• Natalie Portman does Prague. [Celebrity Smack]
• Gene Simmons and Nicholas Cage: Hair Twins [CityRag]
• Kristen Davis from Sex and the City wants closure. Still talking about that show huh? [ICYDK]
• Miss USA Tara Conner admits to the world what everybody knows. She did cocaine. [Just Jared]
• Will Uma quit acting? [Glitterati]

Special bonus non-celebrity related video via RockStar Mommy. Kind of old, but I just thought this was hilarious. Towards the end it gets better and better and better. Too bad it’s been proven fake.