Vanessa Hudgens was at pilates class yesterday and tried to hide her face when the paparazzi started taking pictures of her. Naturally, that discouraged the photographers and they all left. Haha, just kidding. They kept taking pictures until Vanessa Hudgens gave them the finger.

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Vanessa Hudgens released a new single today called $$$ex. The song was inspired by Spring Breakers (marketing!) and Hudgens calls it a “bomb-ass song.”

The music features YLA and is produced by the creators of Rock Mafia. It features the line, “Fifty in his pocket / A condom in his wallet / He’s not gonna sleep tonight!”

It’s also, um, what the hell am I listening to?

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I don’t know what it says that James Franco seems so much more at home in the role of a sleazy, hustlin’, cornrow-ed and silver-grill-ed Florida drug dealer named Alien than I’ve ever really seen him. But Spring Breakers, if nothing else (but actually, pretty much nothing else), restored a little bit of faith in the Franco. Maybe he does just need the right role, and maybe that role has to have neck tattoos and bad grammar.

Spring Breakers follows four raucous and restless bikini-clad college girls down to Florida for spring break. Selena Gomez plays the religious one who, when it gets weird, cries and goes home. She did produce actual tears. I was impressed. The other three girls (including another Disney vet, Vanessa Hudgens, who, similar to Franco, seems much more at home in a pool threesome than singing love songs to Zac Efron in a fake high school cafeteria), stick around and get involved, in all of the ways you can get involved (see above mentioned “pool threesome”), with Alien and his drug-fueled feud with another dealer.

The girls are reckless and remorseless – they hold up a chicken shack with squirt guns to get the money to pay for their trip, scaring the bajesus out of innocent people and running off with hundreds of dollars. Then they burn the car they stole to rob the restaurant! I just remembered that. Ugh. This part of the movie is an over-the-top exercise to show the gratification obsession, the fierce need to just be happy, to have stuff and money and more stuff. The girls find that kindred spirit in Alien, who at one point in the film, spends several minutes showing them the things in his house, listing off his machine guns and his tanning oils and his colognes like some twisted version of “My Favorite Things” from The Sound of Music. It’s a harsh depiction of the culture of ‘want,’ the society of ‘gimme.’

But the film is not cohesive. In a few brilliant moments, Spring Breakers gives up that social commentary thing and becomes a skilled parody of the drug/crime thriller. The only montage that works starts as a hilarious scene with Alien at the white piano that sits beside his pool, playing and singing Britney Spears’s, “Everytime,” and descends into a Spears-backed shooting/beating/drug-filled spree. But the movie doesn’t stay a parody either. In certain moments, the film is funny, in others, dark, and all in all, it’s exploitative and experimental.

Directed and (hardly) written by Harmony Korine, Spring Breakers is not only fairly muddled. It’s also literally one giant, poorly narrated montage. We get that it’s artsy fartsy and supposed to suck you in, supposed to make you feel like you are swept up in the spring break whirlwind, caught in the cycle of drugs and parties and beer bongs, constantly stuck and sandy and drunk, never really going anywhere. But when I say that the entire movie is a montage, I’m not exaggerating. Weaving throughout the 94-minute flash fest is an inexplicable amount of repetition of shots and of many of the terrible lines of dialogue, and it makes what could have been a visually stunning movie and an intense, emotional, breathing piece, just kinda boring to watch.

There can be substance in stylized exploitation, but Spring Breakers doesn’t do a complete enough job of reining it in and molding the pieces into a fluid film. If the point is pastiche, it doesn’t create meaning. And that’s why Spring Breakers feels flat. It’s a sometimes parody, sometimes thriller, sometimes social criticism, sometimes “Girls Gone Wild” take off, sometimes not any of that. Just because your characters are inarticulate, scary, and volatile doesn’t mean your movie has to be.

Grade: C+

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Spring Breakers is sitting at a 70% on Rotten Tomatoes right now. It’ll probably dip some more after the weekend as more reviews come in. Until then, we’ll still be able to treat this movie like the second coming because boobs and Disney Stars with boobs.

Speaking of which, Spring Breakers finally had its LA premiere last night. They’ve been busy at SXSW the entire week but now they’re back for my “who was better looking at the premiere” contest. The winner today? Selena Gomez.

I’m not sure what the score is but I think Selena is ahead which makes her the big winner. Winner of what? Life. The winner of life, my friends.

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Ashley Benson told HollywoodLife that her threesome with Vanessa Hudgens and James Franco was pretty comfortable. This is a stark contrast to Vanessa’s experience which she described as something she never wants to do again. This is for the movie Spring Breakers by the way so pull your pants back up, pervert.

“I’m really happy I had Vanessa to be there with me and James he’s done this a million times, he didn’t make it awkward at all. We were very comfortable, [Harmony Korine] wanted us to be comfortable, or else it would have looked weird,” said Ashley.

She then describes how it was much easier to do since she and Vanessa were already so close. “Vanessa and I were so thankful that we were so close and had each other because any intimate scene is very awkward, even kissing a guy on screen is awkward because you have people all around you filming as well as an audience so I don’t know, it turned out amazing.”

You know what would have been awkward though? If James Franco took the sock off his dick and started slapping her on the thigh with it. But that didn’t happen because director Harmony Korine wanted her to be at ease. It lends itself to a more believable experience. One that he can watch over and over and over again. Michael Bay is so god damn jealous right now.

Ashley continued, ”We didn’t start till midnight so, the whole day it was raining, freezing cold, and I just went to the store and bought a ton of groceries and started eating a lot, then I went to set and discussed the scene with Harmonie, Vanessa and James. We just did it, and then it was done!”

I imagine that’s a lot like how Jessica Simpson would prepare for a threesome but unlike Jessica, no one is shouting, “lick the grease from my thigh crease!,” in the middle of it.

Below is a behind the scenes look at Spring Breakers from Vice. I learned at a lot from it.

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Turns out the other day it was just a photocall for the Spring Breakers premiere in Madrid but last night was the real premiere. So how should points be awarded? Since I just make up the rules to this imaginary competition which instills so much hatred in Ethan Hawke, I’m just giving Vanessa Hudgens half a point.

So now it’s .5 for Vanessa Hudgens, 1 for Selena Gomez and 2 for Ashley Benson because she won this time. I think I need to make a prize pack for the winner at the end of this competition. Maybe a bag full of condoms and Windex. That seems pretty standard nowadays.

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Here we are in the third round of the Spring Breakers world premiere challenge. Ashley Benson, Vanessa Hudgens and Selena Gomez have faced off in Paris and Berlin. Ashley and Selena have both taken a point each with Vanessa still at 0. However, that all changed last night at the Madrid premiere.

It was a tough showdown between Ashley and Vanessa but I deliberated with my co-judges (Paddington Bear and Winnie the Pooh) and we all decided the big winner last night was Vanessa Hudgens.

Congrats. I know this honor means so much to you, Vanessa. Who would you like to thank? Is it me? It’s probably me, isn’t it?

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While Ashley Benson took the imaginary crown at the Spring Breakers premiere in Paris, it was a new day last night at the Berlin premiere. So who’s winning my made-up award for Hottest of the Disney Triumvirate? Drum roll, please…

Selena Gomez. Come on down and receive your prize. Me. I’m your prize. Please contain your excitement.

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Spring Breakers premiered at Le Grand Rex in Paris last night. If you’ve forgotten, that’s the movie that stars Selena Gomez, Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Benson and Rachel Korine who I don’t usually mention because she’s sleeping with the director (she’s his wife). Also, she’s not part of the Disney triumvirate.

Anyway, Ashley Benson was the big winner last night. She wore a kickass dress split open in the middle that showed off her awesome rack. Is it wrong during a date to show this picture to a girl and ask why she can’t be more like her? That was a rhetorical question by the way.

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Vanessa Hudgens is already promoting Spring Breakers, her party girl bank robber film. She tells Page Six that, while filming the movie, they made a woman so angry by shooting at 4 am that she turned the hose on them.

“We were honking our horns and being loud and obnoxious… and this woman puts her lights on and starts screaming profanities and threatening to call the cops. She grabbed a water hose and started spraying over the fence at us,” recalled Hudgens.

And… and were they braless wearing nothing but white t-shirts? And instead of freaking out, did they tousle their hair around like they were in a Pantene commercial? And was there a lot of giggling? Please, say yes. I need this!

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