Vanessa Minnillo and Nick Lachey currently have a wedding themed reality special on TLC because they could really use the money. It’s called  Nick & Vanessa’s Dream Wedding. Anyway, on Saturday’s episode, Vanessa Minnillo talked about the inevitable comparisons between her and Jessica Simpson aka “The Elephant in the Room.”

“To address the elephant in the room, yes, coincidentally at the same time our wedding is going his ex is actually also doing the beautiful thing of getting married herself,” she said.

Simpson announced her engagement to Eric Johnson in Nov. 2010, just days after her ex-hubby shared his own good news. Minnillo mused, however, that Lachey and Simpson, 31, have both moved far beyond their Newlyweds days. “I think that she would probably pray as much as I do, that [we're allowed] to have our own moments,” she said.

Since it’s my duty as a blogger to make something out of nothing… *Points to Jessica* Haha, Vanessa called you fat! *Jessica looks up from pie and exclaims “heeeeey!”*

She’s probably just mad Jessica tried to take the wind out of her sails by announcing her engagement days after hers. Me-ow. These chicks can really hold a grudge. *Exacerbated sigh* Girls. Amirite?!

Vanessa Minnillo and Nick Lachey returned to LA after finishing up their honeymoon in St. Barths. Which is kind of ridiculous if you think about it. These two don’t really do anything. Every day could be considered a honeymoon for them.

Anyway, this was a good opportunity to stare at Vanessa Minnillo’s cleavage while she walked through LAX. Oh, don’t pretend you weren’t squeezing the air and making honking noises too, Mr. High and Mighty.

Vanessa Minnillo and Nick Lachey, who swears they were famous at one point, recently engaged. Both their birthdays are also this Tuesday. What better way to celebrate their joint birthday and pending nuptial than to fly down to Mexico and hang out in a bikini.

This was probably a plan by Nick to shove his fiancee’s incredible body in Jessica Simpson’s face. If you read between the lines, it’s like a “haha, the girl I’m banging doesn’t have to go to magazines claiming she’s fine with her body because she is.”

In way less exciting engagement news, as if that was even possible, Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo are engaged. The couple, who were famous at one point in time, I swear, said in a joint statement, “We’re excited and incredibly happy about our engagement and we look forward to a wonderful future together.”

Nick confirmed the news Thursday tweeting, “Hey all. If anyone’s heard the rumors of my engagement, they are absolutely true! Vanessa and I couldn’t be happier. Thanks for all the love.”

Meanwhile, I managed to make it through this story without falling aszzzzzzzzz. Aw. Dammit.

It’s been a while, but Vanessa Minnillo is finally relevant again. At least for today. Here she is at Miami Beach with that douchebag Nick Lachey. Thankfully, he’s cropped out of almost every picture. For the one he isn’t, I’ve put a big ‘X’ over him so as to not to distract you from Vanessa. Although, that could potentially be more distracting. I admit, this wasn’t really well thought out.

Realizing that all they had was each other in this crazy d-list world, Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo are back together again. That or they simply enjoy “steamy makeout sessions” at LA bar Dime.

“They were making-out in one of the booths and seemed totally into one another.”

Lachey and Minnillo arrived with friends around 11:30 pm, but sources said the one-time couple was enjoying some not-so-private time just 20 minutes later when they started hooking up.

Throughout the night, Minnillo joined her friends on the dance floor, while Lachey sat back and enjoyed the view.

Of course, you may remember Nick from some boy band and Vanessa from some show on MTV. No one remembers how they met because no one really cares. Nice to see things haven’t changed. The “not caring” part. I’d have been more interested in this story if, right next to the report, you showed me a picture of a bear balancing on a ball. How does he do it?!

Ask any woman and they’ll tell you Vanessa Minnillo has a pretty decent body. Ask Vanessa and she’ll tell you that’s true for the most part except for her abs.

“I always have problems with my abs, especially when I see these women who have beautiful, sculpted abs,” she groaned to Tarts at last week’s launch party for Reebok’s new Easytone sneakers. “My parents are like ‘you’re a woman, you’re supposed to have babies, you’re supposed to have a womb,’ but I cannot tone them for the life of me, so that’s my trouble spot.”

Celebrities. They’re just like us. And by us, I mean you. I can take no part in your generalizations. Because my abs are sculpted to perfection. If Leonardo DaVinci saw me shirtless, he’d ask me to strike a pose so he could draw me.

Two people who were once famous back in the day, but now not so much, have broken up. Intrigued as to who they are? Well, whatever. You’re going to find out anyway. It’s Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo! You might have figured it out from the title and header photo though.

Sources say it was an amicable break-up. These sources then went on about how they’re still friends. The reporter just rolled their eyes, made a jacking off motion and then asked, “So… how does Jessica Simpson feel about this?” The source then said they had no idea and that maybe they should ask Jessica Simpson herself. Geez. People are so unhelpful these days.

Last we left Vanessa Minnillo, she was hanging around Nick Lachey looking 20-years-older than she was supposed to. That was earlier this year. Fast forward to the present. Nick Lachey is nowhere to be found and Vanessa is sharing private cabanas with 90210 actor Matt Lanter.

She sat on Matt’s lap and really close to him for two hours at the party. He looks like a younger version of Nick.” A rep for Minnillo said her client knows her “Disaster Movie” co-star because “they made a film together.”

You sit on one guy’s lap in a private cabana and all of a sudden you’re doing it. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe Vanessa saw a huge spider and fearing for her safety, jumped onto Matt’s lap. Then their tongues accidentally went into each others mouths. Happens all the time.

Vanessa Minnillo magically aged 20 years in this photo from LIV in Miami. Just add a pair of old people’s glasses and it’ll be like you stepped out of a time machine. Also, I’m 100% positive it’s a bad angle, but Vanessa’s mouth looks like a prolapsed rectum. And to think, Nick Lachey gets to make out with that. Lucky bastard.

Now that she’s had some on camera experience as an MTV host, Vanessa Minnillo dreams to one day be a serious actress and win an Oscar. Bwahahaha.

“I want to be an actress with an Oscar and babies.” Vanessa — whose romance with Nick Lachey is still going strong — says she looks to Academy Award winner Julia Roberts for inspiration. “She’s phenomenal!” says Vanessa. “I would love to be just like her.”

You can already see the similarities between Julia and Vanessa. Julia’s breakout role was as a hooker with a heart of gold in the classic, Pretty Woman. Vanessa’s break out role was as Amy in Disaster Movie. Its greatest achievement is being number one on IMDB’s Bottom 100 list. Woohooo! We’re #1! We’re #1!

Vanessa Minnillo: I want an Oscar [In Touch]

Vanessa Minnillo and Nick Lachey have been on vacation in some country where there’s no semblance of winter for what seems like the past 8 months. These two don’t do much besides screw in hot tubs and swim in the ocean so it makes sense that there would be more bikini shots of Vanessa Minnillo when everyone else in Hollywood is wearing pants instead of shorts. How they earn a living is a mystery to me, but if I had to guess it would be from diving for oysters. I once overheard Nick saying he’d give Vanessa a pearl necklace so I assume he was talking about jewelery and not about shooting his load on her chest. I could be wrong, but that doesn’t happen often.

I’m still in a tizzy from that Shia LaBeouf story. He’s no doubt started his own little drug cartel in LA by now. While I further investigate, here’s Vanessa Minnillo in a bikini in San Juan at a hotel opening. The only crimes she’s guilty of are stealing my heart and not shaving her bush.