Vanity Fair revealed their annual Hollywood cover yesterday and, as always, accusations of racism have already begun flying around. The cover, shot by Mario Testino, features: Rooney Mara, Jennifer Lawrence, Mia Wasikowska, Jessica Chastain and others. The problem is only those four are on the visible cover while Pariah’s Adepero Oduye and Mission Impossible’s Paula Patton, women of color, are relegated to the middle panel which can only be seen when you unfold it.

Is this Vanity Fair implying women of color should be out of sight until someone of power allows them to be seen and heard? But, you may ask, shouldn’t this apply to all women? I demand equal rights.

Lady Gaga stripped down to nothing and told Tony Bennet to draw her. He obliged and people at Vanity Fair took pictures of the whole thing. Now you have the back story of why you’re looking at Lady Gaga posing naked with her ribs sticking out like a third world orphan.

In case you wanted more text so you could scroll down past the header image, blah blah blah blah blah blah. Hope that helps.

NSFW version of header photo here.

Katy Perry is on the cover of the new Vanity Fair and if you’re curious, yes, all the Katy Perry cover criteria was met. Stupid outfit. Check. Display as much boobs as possible. Check. Photoshop. Check. Confusing interview. Check. Speaking of, here are a few choice quotes.

Her artichoke career: “My career is like an artichoke. People might think that the leaves are tasty and buttered up and delicious, and they don’t even know that there’s something magical hidden at the base of it. There’s a whole other side [of me] that people didn’t know existed.” — And much like the artichoke, no one cares.

On not having much of a religion: “I come from a very non-accepting family, but I’m very accepting,” Perry says of her religious beliefs as an adult. “Russell is into Hinduism, and I’m not [really] involved in it. He meditates in the morning and the evening; I’m starting to do it more because it really centers me. [But] I just let him be him, and he lets me be me.” Perry says she didn’t stick with the mold growing up. “I have always been the kid who’s asked ‘Why?’ In my faith, you’re just supposed to have faith. But I was always like…why?” she says. “At this point, I’m just kind of a drifter. I’m open to possibility…. My sponge is so big and wide and I’m soaking everything up and my mind has been radically expanded. Just being around different cultures and people and their opinions and perspectives. Just looking into the sky.” — People! Her sponge is so big and wide!

On her fame: “I don’t care what people say about my relationship; I don’t care what they say about my boobs. People are buying my songs; I have a sold-out tour. I’m getting incredible feedback from my music.” But despite her immense fame, Perry never forgets what it took to get to where she is. “I don’t take anything for granted,” she says. “There are 500 other girls right behind me. And I know that, because I was one of them. I remember what it’s like to be someone who’s always trying to get there—sending out tons of e-mails … trying to connect with some person who could connect me with some other person. And I wouldn’t be working at this pace now if I didn’t truly know that fame is fleeting.” — Don’t ever change, Katy Perry’s boobs.

How many years has it been since Katy Perry blew up? Can someone let me know how many emails it’s going to take to get this chick naked? Because I’ve been sending out a couple hundred a week and the only replies I’ve gotten are “how did you get my email address?” and “please stop sending me hand drawn pictures of naked Katy Perry.”

Avril Lavigne is in the February 2011 edition of Vanity Fair Italy. She looks… not bad. Sort of like Meg Ryan/Taylor Swift but better. She’s less mousey and it doesn’t look like a plastic surgeon went to town on her face with a butter knife. Ergo, kind of hot. And isn’t that what’s important in life? How good you look to me?

Vanity Fair released their annual Hollywood Issue featuring some of your Oscar hopefuls and current Hollywood favorites. Note that Olivia Wilde and Mila Kunis are showing more skin than the others for some reason. It’s like they handed Olivia two strips of cloth to wear for the shoot.

Jesus. Being a hot actress in Hollywood must be like going to the doctor’s office every day in that you’re forced to wear one of those half-gowns and someone is always trying to anally probe you.

Justin Bieber appears in the February issue of Vanity Fair and his interview highlights what you’d expect to go through the mind of a normal 16-year-old with millions of dollars and an inflated ego.

Justin on being a musical genius: “I’m crazy, I’m nuts,” Justin Bieber tells Vanity Fair contributing editor Lisa Robinson. “Just the way my brain works. I’m not normal. I think differently—my mind is always racing. I’m just … nuts. But I think the best [musicians] probably are.” – Every kid thinks they’re so much more different and special than any other kid. You are not a unique snowflake.

On his affection for black artists: Robinson reports that Bieber considers the “best” to be the Beatles, Michael Jackson, and Tupac. “Music is music, and I’m definitely influenced by Michael Jackson and Boyz II Men and people who were black artists—that’s what I like. But I like their voices and I like how they entertain—it’s not about what color they are.” – The part where Bieber says he’s influenced by black artists but then says it’s not about what color they are. Yea, that makes a lot of sense. If it’s not about color, then why do you explicitly say “people who were black artists?”

On not being able to be a normal kid: “It’s hard to really balance myself. A regular kid, if he catches the flu, he just gets to go home,” Bieber says of the challenges of trying to be a regular teenager. “But I can’t do that…. Everything is important. But, you know, my sanity is important, too. Even if I’m angry, I’ll just put a smile on my face and fake it. I don’t often fake it—what’s me is me….I know I have to give up a lot of myself, or a lot of a private life.” – He fakes it but he doesn’t fake it because “what’s me is me.” Is any of this making sense to anyone? And you’ll never be a regular kid, Bieber. You’re Canadian.

Being a regular kid means getting laid in your trailer: Robinson talks to one person who has the most access to Bieber’s “private life” these days, his bodyguard Kenny Hamilton. “I feel like I’ve become an expert at covert operations,” says Hamilton about “friends” (girls) who sneak in to visit Justin on the mandatory one to three days off a week that he gets to just “be a kid.” – I must have missed out a lot as a kid because my bodyguard has never sneaked chicks into my trailer just to blow me.

On taking advice from Will Smith: Robinson reports that Bieber says he wants to go to the moon, to outer space, but only when it’s 100 percent safe—or maybe just 90 percent—and that he hated school, is tutored on the road, doesn’t read much, but has the best-seller Rich Dad Poor Dad on his tour bus because Will Smith told him to read it. – I feel like he only listened to Will Smith because he was awesome as The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. That’s the only reason I’d listen to that nut. Other than that, anything he said I’d think he’d be trying to convert me to Scientology.

Now his Kanye West ego speaks: Bieber tells Robinson that he knows girls scream for him because he’s Justin Bieber, but he thinks they might also scream for him because he’s cute. “Not trying to be arrogant, but if I walked down the street and a girl saw me, she might take a look back because maybe I’m good-looking, right?” – No, she wouldn’t. She’d take a look back because you’re Justin Bieber, a manufactured pop star pushed onto the ignorant masses. You look like a slimmer Chaz Bono.

Justin’s mom (Pattie Mallette) is crazy too: Mallette also tells Robinson that, after a personal encounter with God, she believes that she and Justin have been put on earth to bring light and inspiration to the world. But Mallette is wary of show business and its potential consequences: “We don’t have yes-men around him. I don’t want him being a diva.” – *Backs away slowly*

Justin’s grandfather is still bitter he’s not a hockey player: He’s not the only one who didn’t see his fame coming. When asked if he ever envisioned this level of fame for his grandson, Bieber’s grandfather Bruce Dale responds, “No. Never. He was supposed to be a hockey player.” – Bruce added, “Cut your hair you damn hippie,” and then waved his cane in the air.

Johnny Depp is in the January issue of Vanity Fair and talks about how he avoided any rumors of an Angelina Jolie hook-up and Disney’s worry over his gay Captain Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean. From Popeater:

On meeting Angelina: “Meeting her and getting to know her was a real pleasant surprise,” Depp reveals about Jolie, his co-star in ‘The Tourist.’ “You don’t know what she might be like–if she has any sense of humor at all. I was so pleased to find that she is incredibly normal, and has a wonderfully kind of dark, perverse sense of humor.”

On avoiding the paparazzi while filming with Jolie: “[Always] having to hide, sometimes not even being able to talk to each other in public because someone will take a photograph and it will be misconstrued and turned into some other sh–.”

On Disney executives not liking his interpretation of Captain Sparrow: “They couldn’t stand him. They just couldn’t stand him. I think it was Michael Eisner, the head of Disney at the time, who was quoted as saying, ‘He’s ruining the movie.’

“Upper-echelon Disney-ites, going, What’s wrong with him? Is he, you know, like some kind of weird simpleton? Is he drunk? By the way, is he gay?… And so I actually told this woman who was the Disney-ite… ‘But didn’t you know that all my characters are gay?’ Which really made her nervous.”

A good way to worry any Disney executive is to tell them your character is the furthest thing from a straight white male. In fact, not only is your character gay, but he’s also a tranny dressed in blackface. Before you even started putting shoe polish on your face, the Disney exec would have already have shaken their jowls and had a heart attack.

Jessica Alba is in the September 2010 edition of the Italian Vanity Fair. Not sure if these do it for me. If I had to guess what keeps these photos from being great, it would probably be the fact that there’s no nudity or unicorns. The two things I look for in a woman.

Vanity Fair did an interview with Lindsay Lohan before she served 14 days in jail and 23 days in rehab. There’s nothing groundbreaking about it unless you consider denying everything and making excuses for yourself “groundbreaking”.

The first thing out of Lindsay is that she’s not on any drugs and she’s not an alcoholic. “If I were the alcoholic everyone says I am, then putting a [SCRAM] bracelet on would have ended me up in detox, in the emergency room, because I would have had to come down from all the things that people say I’m taking and my father says I’m taking—so that says something, because I was fine.” Yea, maybe. Except that her SCRAM did go off when it detected alcohol in her body and she tried to trick the judge by submitting to a urine test after the alcohol dissipated from her body.

Lindsay goes on to explain why her father is an asshole which is true. She talks about her father’s unexpected appearance at her hearing. “The worst part of it is you turn around and you see your dad crying and normally you’d be, like, happy that your father’s there. But then he has to go and do an interview right after.”

Then Lindsay proves she’s definitely on drugs. “I don’t care what anyone says. I know that I’m a damn good actress. … And I know that in my past I was young and irresponsible—but that’s what growing up is. You learn from your mistakes.” Or maybe she’s just delusional?

Oh, but then Lindsay admits to dabbling. “I’ve never abused prescription drugs. I never have—never in my life. I have no desire to. That’s not who I am. I’ve admitted to the things that I’ve done—to, you know, dabbling in certain things and trying things ’cause I was young and curious and thought it was like, O.K., ’cause other people were doing it and other people put it in front of me. And I see what happened in my life because of it.”

And like any interview with Lindsay, she must find a scapegoat to blame her problems on. “So many people around me would say they cared for the wrong reasons. A lot of people were pulling from me, taking from me and not giving. I had a lot of people that were there for me for, you know, the party.”

If you’ll remember, Dina once said she let Lindsay move to LA because she was fine with Lindsay living and falling on her own. Turns out that was a horrible idea. “it was very go-go-go and I had a lot of responsibility; and I think just the second I didn’t have [structure] anymore—I was 18, 19—with a ton of money and no one really here to tell me that I couldn’t do certain things … And I see where that’s gotten me now, and I don’t like it.” Oh and then she blames more people for her problems. “really scary and sad… I would look up to those girls… the Britneys and whatever. And I would be like, I want to be like that.”

To summarize, wah wah wah, I don’t do drugs or drink and nothing is my fault.  I’m Lindsay Lohan. Everyone is out to get me. I don’t take responsibility for anything I’ve done. Wah wah wah.

Lady Gaga did an interview with Vanity Fair and tells them that she avoids having sex not because people think she’s the type of weirdo who’d think it’d be artsy to fake a miscarriage during sex but because she’s afraid someone might steal her creative energy. “I have this weird thing that if I sleep with someone they’re going to take my creativity from me through my vagina.” Uh huh. *Twirls finger around ear*

Gaga also says she doesn’t trust anyone so, you know, that might be another reason she doesn’t have sex. “I’m perpetually lonely. I’m lonely when I’m in relationships. It’s my condition as an artist.” Regarding men, she says, “I’m drawn to bad romances. And my song [“Bad Romance”] is about whether I go after those [sort of relationships] or if they find me. I’m quite celibate now; I don’t really get time to meet anyone.”

She also talks about her drug use and what happened when she hit rock bottom (she went to live with her grandma who gave her one of those stereotypical speeches you don’t expect old people to give). Blah blah. Let’s focus on the creative energy through her vagina thing. I think it’d be funny if some guy actually pulled that off. Like, when he pulls out he sees two little gnomes clinging onto his penis screaming for joy after finally escaping that cavernous gulch of a crotch.

Oh and during a performance in Arizona yesterday, Gaga did some commentary on the immigration laws. So poignant. *Yawns*

Hilary Swank hit up the Vanity Fair Party yesterday in this thing. If her neckline plunged any further, it’d just be two halves of a shirt. Which would have been awesome. She could have really made a statement. Not sure about what quite yet, but the opportunity would be there if she wanted.

Famed photographer Annie Leibovitz shot Tiger Woods for Vanity Fair and this was the result. A hooded, shirtless Tiger pumping iron and staring intensely into your eyes. This is what I imagine rich, old, white people think of when they see a minority. Good job capturing that, Annie Leibovitz.

Kate Winslet has long been the voice of the fat girl not willing to succumb to the pressures of thin Hollywood. In February 2003, Kate even apologized for her retouched GQ magazine shoot saying she didn’t want people to think she was a hypocrite and had no intention of looking like the digitally slimmed photos of her.

Fast forward to today and Kate is once again under scrutiny for her recent Vanity Fair shoot. This time The Daily Mail asks an airbrush artist to examine Kate’s latest photos. His conclusion? LAWL! Photochopped!

The face: ‘There is no real detail in her face. Any detail or wrinkles have been removed. There are no eye bags, contours and smile lines.

‘The whites of her eyes have been cleaned up and are now a really clean, crisp white. I’d say her lips have possibly been made slightly fuller as well.’

The skin: ‘Her skin has generally been retouched all over so she has no lines or blemishes at all. Her skin is completely perfect.’

The hands and feet: ‘There are no wrinkles or lines or veins on her hands and feet and this just is not natural.’

The figure: ‘Her back and lower body have been pinched in to make her look thinner and to give her some curves.

‘Her bottom has been rounded off so it looks nice and pert. I would be very surprised if her bottom was like that naturally. Her thigh appears to have been made slimmer so it appears more toned.

‘And in the shot of her sitting down on the front cover, it’s possible her legs were made slightly thinner so they also appear more toned.’

Kate’s rep denies this and tells PEOPLE: “Kate is furious at suggestions that her body has been airbrushed.”

Whatever. Magazines airbrush photos. It’s a fact. There’s no way Vanity Fair is going to put a baggy-eyed, wrinkly Kate Winslet on their cover. They sell magazines, not body image. Who wants to buy an issue with an ugly fatty on the cover. If people want to see a natural Kate Winslet with all her blemishes, they’re just going to have to do what I do and install a spycam in her shower.