Celebrity Big Brother is where once famous people go to live out their miserable existence. It’s like a retirement home for has-beens. Anyway, Verne Troyer is in the house this season and yesterday, they forced him and other contestants to dress in a bear suit and eat a pot of honey. I think the results speak for themselves. Best show ever? Yes, best show ever.

So, to continue with the analogy. This would be the kind of retirement home that you see on the news all the time where residents are secretly abused. Of course, if these were actual old people, it would be cruel and sad. But thankfully they’re not. They’re d-listers and that makes it hilarious.

Verne Troyer tried to “seduce” Kelly Osbourne on NYE. Verne sent Kelly “several tequila shots” over the course of the evening. All of them were sent back, of course, because Kelly was partying with her boyfriend Luke Worrall. And also because she had one of those fancy GHB detectors. Those kids and their gadgets.

Female First adds that he ended up “riding his scooter around the club before tearing up the dance floor alongside Rihanna and Chris Brown.” They probably didn’t know he was there and punted him once or twice. Well, the first time by accident, the second time because Verne was humping Rihanna’s leg.

At the end of the day, Verne still managed to run up a $7,000 tab and had to be carried out by his bodyguard so it wasn’t a total loss.

All in all, this was an eventful night for the little guy. Although, clubs have asked to him to please stop hiding in the punch bowl and scaring people. That prank is getting old and pretty much ruins the punch.

[Verne Troyer leaving the T-mobile afterparty with a girl on his motor scooter back in August. Image via Splash News]

Mini-me’s sex tape has finally been released on an overseas website simply called SexWithMiniMe.com. For a mere $9.95 you can download the entire video of Verne Troyer’s romp with Ranae “Horseface” Shrider. AVN did a whois for the domain name and found it was registered in China. Although, a further dig in the whois db shows that the actual server is in Kuala Lumpur which is in Malaysia. The site is down right now, but if you want a preview you can click this NSFW link. But beware. This is the least sexy thing ever. Verne is like a little goblin crawling over Ranae’s body. It reminds me more of a kamikaze Gremlin attack than human sex.

Verne Troyer, better known as Mini-me, filed suit against former girlfriend, sex tape enthusiast and current house guest, Ranae Shrider, alleging Ranae beat him and caused him emotional distress. A lawyer who “allegedly tried to broker a deal for the sale of the sex tape” is also being sued, but back to the abuse thing.

In the lawsuit, Troyer basically says the chick terrorized him, once picked the lock to his bedroom door, pushing away a 100 pound scooter that was used to block the door, and then throwing him to the floor.”

I want to be serious for a second and talk to all of you about midget abuse. When you pick a little person up and throw him around the room like a shot put, it endangers their life. Pretending they’re a football and punting them through a goal post made up of two couches you put together can cause them irreparable harm. Tying bacon to their backs and putting them in the neighbor’s yard which is currently inhabited by a pit bull or any similarly large dog, well, that’s sort of funny. Especially if you make them wear a silly party hat. Hehe, look at him go.

Mini-me’s girlfriend, Ranae Shrider, spoke with News of the World about the sordid details of her and Verne’s sex life. So, if you were curious about the ins and outs of midget sex, you should read this because it’s every bit as creepy and sad as you’d thought it’d be.

Sex with a midget is different.
“But sex was very different from anything I’d experienced before, and I’d be lying if I didn’t say it was tricky making everything work.”

It’s also very, very creepy.
“I had to kneel down just to give him a hug. And anything but the traditional missionary position was just impossible. So I’d lie on the bed and Verne would crawl up my legs to have sex with me. And as he did it his feet would be tickling my knees!”

Their penises are also proportional.
“It wasn’t quite as passionate as sex with a normal-sized man but he did his best. He didn’t wear a condom. There was no point, they’re all too big. For a small guy he’s quite well endowed. I had no complaints.”

But what they lack in size, they make up for with effort.
“On the whole though, he wasn’t short of sexy skills and tried his hardest to make up in technique what he lacked in size.”

And although they finish really fast, they can go all night.
“But the whole thing was over in three minutes.”

“It was strange having sex with someone who couldn’t reach to kiss me at the same time, except for my tummy that is! I was so relieved it was over.”

“But minutes later Verne was ready to go again. That night we made love three times in 20 minutes, which most bigger men only dream about doing.”

Also, don’t try to have tub sex with midgets. They might drown.
“I thought it would be fun to do it in the tub,” she said. “Sadly I almost killed him. While Verne was watching TV I ran the bath, emptied a bottle of bubbles in it and called him in.”

“Verne’s voice is just like it is in the films and as he disappeared under the water, I heard this tiny yelp for help. I could just hear him crying, ‘Ranae, I can’t see! Get me out, I’m drowning!’”

“I was frantic and started to scoop the bubbles out so I could find him. The bath was only about 3ft deep but for someone of Verne’s size it was like he’d fallen into the deep end of a swimming pool—and he CAN’T swim. I put my hand under and eventually felt his bald head and hauled him out. I couldn’t believe I’d tried to do something sexy and ended up almost killing him. He looked like a drowned rat.”

So what have we learned? Per Ranae’s chilling and hilarious description, being Mini-Me’s girlfriend is in fact A LOT like owning a little Gremlin named Gizmo. Only without the cute Rambo outfit.

Two days ago, TMZ put up a clip of the Verne Troyer sex tape. Verne was not amused. He has now filed a $20 million lawsuit against TMZ for violating his rights by publishing and airing parts of the tape. Troyer claims the tape was stolen and somehow acquired by Kevin Platt who distributed One Night in Paris. He also wants an “injunction prohibiting further dissemination.” TMZ writes:

In the suit, filed Thursday in U.S. District Court in downtown L.A., Troyer claims TMZ violated his privacy rights and infringed on his copyright and trademark by running portions of the tape on TMZ TV and TMZ.com. He also alleges TMZ violated his right of publicity and misappropriated his name and likeness.

I want an injunction too. For the sake of my eyes. Because this is more a horror movie than it is a porno. Verne looks like a goblin. Does Verne eat her brains five minutes later? Is that even what goblins do?

TMZ has a clip lasting a few short seconds from the upcoming Verne Troyer aka Mini-Me sex tape which promises to be more disturbing than Chyna’s. In the preview, Verne can be seen unclothed and tonguing his former girlfriend in their apartment. SugarDVD is reportedly offering $100,000 for distribution rights.

This is creepy. If I was a woman, I’d be freaked out by Mini-me crawling all over my body trying to hump my face. I imagine it’s like being attacked by a horny gremlin.

Check out the clip here (NSFW).