Did I say humorless? I meant humorful. Is that a word? I don’t think so because it’s being underlined in red. I’ll have to look that up. Anyway, in an effort to generate more publicity for his new movie Vicky Cristina Barcelona, Woody Allen wrote a fake production diary for The New York Times. He touches on various subjects including, but not limited to, Javier Bardem’s need for direction, flirting with Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz and a three-some which almost became a four-some, but turned back into a three-some.

JUNE 15

Work finally under way. Shot a torrid love scene today between Scarlett and Javier. If this were a scant few years ago, I would have played Javier’s part. When I mentioned that to Scarlett, she said, “Uh-huh,” with an enigmatic intonation. Scarlett came late to the set. I lectured her rather sternly, explaining I do not tolerate tardiness from my cast. She listened respectfully, although as I spoke I thought I noticed her turning up her iPod.

AUG. 20

Made love with Scarlett and Penélope simultaneously in an effort to keep them happy. Ménage gave me great idea for the climax of the movie. Rebecca kept pounding on the door, and I finally let her in, but those Spanish beds are too small to handle four, and when she joined, I kept getting bounced to the floor.

Woody Allen is 98 years old and had this diary not been filled with self-deprecating humor, it would have turned creepy really quick like that one time my parents left me alone with some old guy who kept giggling and asking if I wanted a lolli. Dude, I’m nine. I’m over lollis. But if you have a ring pop…