“Give me your finest sheep placenta!,” Victoria Beckham shouts whenever she goes to see her specialist.

A report by The Sun claims Victoria pays up to $500 for a 90-minute facial which involves “shining a red LED light on the face to open the pores, before an afterbirth gel sprinkled with gold flakes is spread on.”

In English, this means they put placenta on her face. Not just any normal placenta, mind you. What is she, a freak? No, her Beverly Hills specialist uses only the placenta from New Zealand sheep. The finest sheep placenta in the world because those sheep have been “untouched by the modern world.” I don’t know about you, but I take that to mean the farmers don’t rape them when they’re bored.

“They have no impurities in their system. The stem cells we harvest are amniotic cells, which means no harm is caused to the animals,” says specialist Dr. Harold Lancer. ”The stem cells are preserved because they are full of rich nutrients that fight free-radical damage to the skin and make it more radiant.”

In other words, celebrities are idiots and will believe anyone that uses big sciency words. “Free-radicals, you say?!” *Opens checkbook* I bet these sheep don’t even come from New Zealand. They probably come from Bakersfield. And I won’t be convinced otherwise until I see a birth certificate.

It felt like years, but Victoria Beckham finally made it onto American Vogue and even got a profile. It’s not the cover but beggars can’t be choosers. At least that’s what girls always tell me.

Admittedly, I just looked at the photos because after reading the first sentence, I realized I’d have no idea what the hell they were going to talk about. It started out with, “Have you ever been in a crèche before?,” and ended with me staring blankly and nodding like I understood. “Oooo, pretty pictures,” I then said quickly trying to change the subject.

I’m not sure this is what Eva Longoria meant when she asked Victoria Beckham to go to the Vanity Fair party to support her.

David Beckham posted a picture of his wife Victoria on Facebook with the caption, “So proud of my wife taking #NYFW by the balls.” Which is sort of incorrect. Victoria more so juggled the balls than took them. But that’s okay, they’re English. American isn’t their first language.

Victoria and David Beckham sent a Christmas card featuring their four children half-naked to close friends and select journalists. The photo was then “leaked” online by Vogue Magazine senior fashion news editor Jane Keltner De Valle who posted it on Twitter with the caption, “Cutest thing about victoriabeckham’s xmas card? Photo cred on back that reads ‘Picture by Daddy.” From there it was picked up by other sites and re-posted by the editor of Glamour.

Turns out when they sent it out to magazine editors, they weren’t expecting it to be posted on the net. That’s like sending a hungry bear a Christmas ham and not expect him to eat it, just, admire it.

What’s up with that card anyway? Four Three topless boys and one girl with a reindeer nose and antlers drawn on one of them? “Get out of my head!,” said Jerry Sandusky.

Victoria Beckham debuted her baby in a black and white photo she took herself on Twitter and Facebook and not in a magazine that paid her $100,000 for a front cover. What? Does she have a tumor or something? David also explained why they named her Harper Seven.

“A lot of people have assumed that it’s just because it was my shirt number that I wore for many years… Part of it is because I had so much luck around wearing that number, wearing it for England, wearing it for Manchester United — it was such an influential number throughout my career, and a lucky number, but that wasn’t the main reason,” he said. “The other reasons behind ‘Seven’ were because it symbolizes spiritual perfection, Seven Wonders of the World, seven colors of the rainbow and in many cultures around the world, it’s regarded as a lucky number.”

Harper Seven is only one week old and is already in obnoxiously cute pictures. Yikes. My heart is beginning to melt. I better stop looking at these before I develop “feelings.”

Both Victoria Beckham and Kate Hudson gave birth over the weekend.

Victoria and David Beckham named their daughter, who was born Sunday morning in LA, Harper Seven Beckham. She follows her siblings Vanity Six Beckham and Marie Five Beckham. No, just kidding. Her brothers are Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz but what a dumb middle name anyway. The only reason you should name your kid after a number is if you’re going to have trouble remembering like OctoMom.

Meanwhile, Kate Hudson gave birth to a healthy baby boy on Saturday in LA. Kate had a hunch she was having a girl when she scientifically put a pendulum over her belly and noted if it swung back and forth or in a circle. Turns out science screwed her over as her new son will be joining her 7.5 year old, Ryder Russell. There’s no name yet but because since she’s so logical, she probably wrote a bunch of letters on a piece of paper, put them in a hat and named him with five letters she picked out.

For whatever reason, Joan Rivers called Victoria Beckham “vulgar” for showing off her $9,000 Hermes handbags every time she goes out. Rivers also says no one in LA likes her. If I didn’t know better, I’d think she was trying to make Victoria Beckham cry. Hopefully for her next trick, Joan sits on Victoria’s chest and makes her hit herself.

In an interview with Closer, the 76-year-old described the fashion icon as “rude,” and commented on the fact that the former Spice Girl flaunts she has a hundred Hermes £6,000 bags, and shouldn’t be doing so when some of the world are starving. She continues to bombard Beckham with insults saying that she is “too short to be a diva,” and she shows a “distinct lack of class.” Rivers continues to say that everyone in LA, where Beckham lives in Beverly Hills with her husband David, have nothing good to say about her.

Whatever. I’d flaunt $9,000 purses if I could afford it and if my friends wouldn’t kick my ass if I put one on my arm. I’d also buy a dozen bagels, only eating one and throwing the rest away in front of homeless people. Then I’d point to an orphan kid and yell, “Hey, everyone. Look at that loser. He’s got no mommy and daddy. Haha!”

Who cares about Joan Rivers anyway? Victoria Beckham is skinny with big tits. She has carte blanche to do whatever she likes. Victoria could kick a newborn baby and I’d be fine with it as long as she showed some cleavage and jumped up and down to warm up before her big punt.

[New York, February 23. Images via INF.]

It’s widely assumed that Victoria Beckham is a size 0. Actually, if there was a size below 0, she’d be that. But Victoria has gone on record as saying she and Jennifer Lopez wear the same size dresses. Beckham tells 10 magazine that “My dresses are for women of all different shapes and sizes. Actually, the one I tried on yesterday was the one Jennifer wore.” We are to assume that all Victoria Beckham’s dresses are made of highly stretchable elastic.

Giving a backhanded compliment, Beckham added, “Who’d have thought I’d be the same size as Jennifer Lopez!” Haha! Because J. Lo is so fat, you see, and Beckham is not.

Clearly one of these two ladies is mistaken. Let’s assume for a second that they do indeed wear the same size dresses and that the measurements these pieces of clothing are based off of are similar. Either Victoria can jump into her dress like a dolphin through a hoop or Jennifer Lopez is lying to herself and greasing her fat ass up in order to take a running start to try and fit in a size 0. You’d have an easier time pushing an elephant down a toilet.

Some better comparison pictures of Lopez here.

Girl power could be back. According to Geri Halliwell, a.k.a Ginger Spice, talks are underway to bring the Spice Girls back for a third time.

The singer, who famously quit the girl band in May 1998, says she and the other members – Victoria Beckham, Mel B, Emma Bunton and Mel C – are considering getting back for a third time.

She told ITV’s This Morning: ‘We are gathering information about a possibility, but when you are evolving a plan, you don’t want to share it with the world.’

This is good news for anyone worried that there was a gap in the “loudmouthed moms trying too hard to be sexy while wearing age-inappropriate clothing and dancing awkwardly” market since your grandmother got drunk and rowdy at that reunion. Or that Madonna’s most recent tour wrapped up.

I have good news and bad news. First, the bad news. Victoria Beckahm will be making a one-off guest appearance as a judge on American Idol. This comes a little over a day after Paula Abdul resigned from the show over Twitter and is seen as a major get for Victoria as she’s wanted to gain a foothold in America for quite a while.

Hopefully contestants won’t be too offended when they’re critiqued by one of the Spice Girls which is like being given career advice by the homeless man asking you for change. Probably the only help advice she’ll give is to get bigger tits so people will overlook their mediocre voice. A very valid suggestion, I might add.

Now the good news. The TV says I can save on car insurance with Geico. Score! But then it had googly eyes on a stack of bills and they played a song that said someone is always watching me. Ahhhh! This is not good news at all.

In a new series of ads for Armani, former Spice Girl, former breast-enhancement enthusiast and (still!) queen of the soccer wives Victoria Beckham is shown successfully navigating a ladder in skyscraper heels.

The shoot is missing hubby and occasional modeling partner David, who is busy going through the motions in Major League Soccer while no doubt avoiding nanny-trysts and mocking texts from former Manchester United teammates, who continue to be amongst football’s elite in Europe, regularly winning trophies and continuing to build their legacy as one of sports most storied franchises. Meanwhile, Davey plays kick-about in something called the Home Depot Centre.

Anyhow, rumors have emerged that David may be doing a photo shoot in the near future, but not with Victoria. Instead, it would be Angelina Jolie. Beckham took no time in shooting this down, however:

“She’s an amazing person and so is Brad. They’re an incredible couple – got an amazing family. You know she wouldn’t do it and I wouldn’t do it. At the end of the day, I wouldn’t do it because I’m married.”

Dude. It’s Angelina Jolie. Come on. And spare us the devoted husband crap. You’ve already messed around before, so getting a picture taken with one of the planet’s most beautiful women (and noted freak and relationship-buster) isn’t exactly out of your wheelhouse. Honestly, you could be married to a chick version Galactus and you should still be making up feasible cover stories and buying Tide to Go for the lipstick/blood that’ll be staining your collar. You know, just in case.

Click through the header for the HQ.

Celebrities can always be counted on to spend their money wisely. Take Victoria Beckham for instance. She hired her own personal spray tan artist to come to her house twice a month. Victoria wears nothing but a paper thong while being sprayed with fake bronzer.

In an attempt to raise his level of job security, spray-tanner Jimmy Coco told the Daily Mail, “When we met, she had the worst fake tan ever.”

Oh, I’m sure she did. I’m sure this was the kick-start Victoria Beckham’s career needed. Wait, what does Victoria Beckham do again? Walk around and spend her husband’s money? Is that a job? You bet it is. Right now, she’s the best walker-arounder out there. Whew. It’s hard work being useless.