The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show 2011 took place on Wednesday in New York. Nicki Minaj, Kanye West and Jay-Z performed while models such as Adriana Lima, Miranda Kerr and Alessandra Ambrosio walked the runway modeling outfits you’ll never see a normal person wear. We in the business call that “fashion.” All the models looked pretty hot. As they should considering all the dieting they do leading up to this day. But, jesus, what’s with blurry pictures. Doesn’t anyone know how to focus a camera? You click the shutter button halfway and then press it down after it focuses. It’s not hard, people. It’s not like trying to find the clitoris. I mean, can someone draw me a map or something?

Supermodels don’t really talk about all the hard work necessary to maintain their kick-ass bodies. It’s like they don’t want people to think they’re human or whatever. Adriana Lima, however, doesn’t care. She talks about how intense her training is to prep her body for the annual Victoria’s Secret fashion show. It’s similar to the same system fighters use to cut weight.

“It is really intense, it’s not really the amount of time you spend working out, it’s the intensity: I jump rope, I do boxing, I lift weights, but I get bored doing that. If I am not moving I get bored very easily.”

She sees a nutritionist, who has measured her body’s muscle mass, fat ratio and levels of water retention. He prescribes protein shakes, vitamins and supplements to keep Lima’s energy levels up during this training period. Lima drinks a gallon of water a day. For nine days before the show, she will drink only protein shakes – “no solids”. The concoctions include powdered egg. Two days before the show, she will abstain from the daily gallon of water, and “just drink normally”. Then, 12 hours before the show, she will stop drinking entirely.

“No liquids at all so you dry out, sometimes you can lose up to eight pounds just from that,” she says.

“It’s like they’re training for a marathon,” says Sophia Neophitou, the British fashion editor who is chief stylist for this year’s show.

“Adriana works really hard at it. It’s the same as if you were a long-distance runner. They are athletes in this environment – it’s harder to be a Victoria’s Secret model because no one can just chuck an outfit on you, and hide your lumps and bumps.” Telegraph UK

That’s why I got out of the modeling business. The prep work was too intense. That and I’ve been ordered by the court to stay 100 yards away from any runway show after I was caught backstage trying on diamond encrusted panties. Hey, if you didn’t want people to wear them, then why did you make them?

Katy Perry performed at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show in NY on Wednesday. She looked great and her breasts were amazing but she should have worn something less conservative. Like this clear plastic bag that I cut into the shape of a bra and panties. It doesn’t give much in the way of support and it’s as see through as glass but boy does it, um, do a bunch of other stuff. Listen, just put it on, okay?

Every November Victoria’s Secret has their annual fashion show. The event is meant to show off their latest line of lingerie and what not but it all seems like a clever ruse to give me an erection. I’m on to you, Victoria’s Secret.

Here are a few shots of Marisa Miller backstage at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. I can’t tell you why all the pictures look like they were shot from the vantage point of a 9-year-old who was given a camera and told to sneak in, but I can tell you that he was rewarded handsomely.

The Black Eyed Peas were inexplicably asked to perform at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show. I’m at a loss to explain why they chose a band with Fergie in it. Maybe it’s like how average girls have fat and ugly friends to make them look pretty by comparison. In this case, Fergie is the ugly friend used to make the Victoria’s Secret models look… is there anything above supermodel? If there is, they would look like that.

The annual Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show took place last night in New York. You’ll probably be really excited watching a bunch of hot chicks like Heidi Klum, Alessandra Ambrosio, Marisa Miller, Doutzen Kroes, Miranda Kerr and others walk around the runway in ridiculous looking lingerie. Not me though. Why would I get excited about a regular Saturday night? (I have the 2008 show taped and watch it every Saturday night. I’m so lonely.) The show airs Tuesday, Dec. 1 on CBS. Hit the gallery for 120+ pictures.

Heidi Klum won’t be strutting down the runway at the Victoria’s Secret fashion show this year due to giving birth only three weeks ago. Instead, she’ll be performing hosting duties for the event. She previously shared with E! News how she didn’t think she’d have enough time to bounce back from her pregnancy weight gain to show off her super hot model body.

“The last time [I gave birth], I had two months, and I don’t know if I have that much time this time. It was pushing it the last time. But if I don’t make it, I’m sure I’ll be very sad.”

I can totally relate to Heidi except that instead of pregnancy weight ruining my figure, it’s been a series of poor life choices. From indulging in that fettucine sandwich to sleeping with that homeless guy for meth and his BBQ chicken wings. Indeed, that Heidi and I are one in the same.

Every year, Victoria’s Secret has their lingerie fashion show and every year I check my mailbox for an invite and every year I find a reminder from the court telling me to stay 500 yards away from all Victoria’s Secret models. Next year it’s going to be different. Watch out Adriana Lima, Alessandra Ambrosio, Ana Beatriz Barros, Heidi Klum, Selita Ebanks, Doutzen Kroes, Miranda Kerr, Izabel Goulart and all the rest. This sexy beast is coming for you. So, please, don’t warn the cops and don’t even try to hide your underwear. I’ll find it eventually. I’ve been practicing with my Where’s Waldo books. A few more after the jump or click any photo for the full gallery.