I think Vince Vaughn forgot all about the USA – Switzerland game on Friday when he laid eyes on that hot dog. It looked like love at first sight. If Vince eye-fucked that hot dog any harder, the hot dog could have legally charged him with rape.

And does anyone else feel real dirty after looking at the header photo? It looks like he’s telling his friend’s hot dog that it’s next.

[Images: Pacific Coast News]

The Paula Haggis’ video for We Are The World 25 debuted on Friday. It features a creepy Michael Jackson and Janet Jackson duet and other faces you may recognize include everyone in pop music and Vince Vaughn because, sure, why not? Lil’ Wayne is auto-tuning even though he’s supposed to be serving a year sentence at Rikers soon and Michael Jackson is already in it. All that’s missing is for Joe Jackson to turn MJ’s body into a marionette and make him moonwalk at the end.

Vince Vaughn married Kyla Weber in a small ceremony on Saturday outside of Chicago. Vaughn proposed to Weber, a Canadian real estate agent, on Valentine’s Day. No doubt with an onion ring he soon devoured.

Vaughn previously dated Jennifer Aniston which means that when Aniston heard the news, she put her head on her cat’s shoulder and wept.

Vince Vaughn picked up Canadian real estate agent Kyla Weber at a wedding in L.A. last summer. After a week of hanging out together, Kyla returned home and dumped her boyfriend of four years. Now Kyla and Vince are engaged to be married. Aww, how romantic.

“They spent a romantic weekend together. He dropped to one knee to propose and presented her with a gorgeous $125,000 4-carat diamond set in platinum. They’ll have their wedding either in L.A. or Alberta, and they’re both ready to start a family immediately!”

I’d dump whoever I was with for a $125,000 4-carat diamond set in platinum too and I don’t even know what that is. Is it like a rich person’s Spanish fly?

Jake explains the donkey punch

When she’s not protecting little Jake Gyllenhaal, Reese is out protecting her artistic integrity. Her new movie with Vince supposedly is to feature an innocent sex scene with the ever expanding actor.

A studio insider said: “Reese has an issue with the scripted love scene. It is meant to be a funny, ‘American Pie’-style romp, full of bumps and laughs, but Reese is such a prude, she thinks it’s just too much.”

However, with Vaughn being one of the film’s producers, Reese is unlikely to win her argument – despite being one of Hollywood’s most highly paid actresses and an Oscar winner.

It has previously been reported Reese, 31, has been unhappy with Vince’s behavior on set.

While she is keen to work hard and film on schedule, he allegedly turns up to work hung-over, forgets his lines and is constantly fooling about on set.

I don’t blame Reese. Who wants to even touch that drunken wildebeast? If I want to see an ape have sex, I’ll turn on the Discovery Channel.

Reese definitely is a prude though. She reminds me of those girls in high school who won’t even let you get past first base. You walk around for four years with an erection poking through your pants. Then, you find out she screwed the first guy she met in college. Not only that, it turns out she’s a freak and always down. Thanks a lot buddy! I did all the work and you get all the credit.

Guest contributor: Captain Swarthy

Vince Vaughn seems content to ruin his career one horrible Christmas themed movie at a time. He most recently played Santa’s little brother in Fred Claus and is now filming Four Christmases with Reese Witherspoon which, by some accounts, isn’t going too well. Disagreements over how they should shoot scenes have caused fights between Vince and Reese. As expected, the reason for the squabbles is Reese is too anal and Vince isn’t anal enough.

“Vince rolls onto set in the morning looking like he just came in from a night out, while Reese will arrive early looking camera-ready.

“Then Reese tries to force Vince into blocking out each scene and running through their lines as Vince tries to convince her that he’s an ad-libber and wants to play around and see where the scene goes.

“She’s a one-take perfectionist and Vince likes to try it a few different ways. Sometimes Vince will be standing behind her and he has this look on his face that he just wants to kill her!”

Kill or eat? Vince’s ever expanding waistline has me worried that he’ll no longer have the heart to berate his detractors with sarcasm. Instead, he’ll opt to just pick them up and swallow them. Reese should lay off before delerium sets in and Vince starts thinking she’s the other white meat. Reese is probably really annoying on set too;  barking away like a little chihuahua while Vince sits there like a bulldog looking for his food dish.

Vince Vaughn’s belief in Santa Claus was shattered at the tender age of 6. However, despite this startling discovery, Vince pretended to believe so his parents would still give him presents. This charade continued until he was 16, which, by then, had gotten a little weird.

I remember the day I had neighbors that let me know – I was 6 years old – that there was no Santa Claus. They go, ‘You know there’s not a Santa Claus, right?’ – and, of course, covering in front of them I was like, ‘Well, yeah. Of course there’s not a Santa Claus, guys.’ Then I went to my sisters, and they said, ‘Okay, now you know the painful truth, there is not a Santa Claus.’ I was the youngest. They said, ‘Don’t tell mom and dad, because then we may not get gifts anymore. You got to keep pretending that you think there is Santa Claus, or you are not going to get any gifts.’ I was like 16 going, ‘Dad, when is Santa coming down the chimney?’ My dad was like, ‘Look it’s getting weird, you are getting older, you know there’s not a Santa, right?’ “

I’m not sure why kids want to believe in Santa Claus. He sounds more like a horror story than anything else. If you told someone who had no knowledge of Christmas that a fat, jolly, bearded white guy coerces children to be “nice” all year long so that once a year when they’re sleeping he’d secretly slide down their chimney to give them gifts, they’d probably ask you if Santa Claus was a pedophile. It would probably explain why you have to sit on his lap at the mall to tell him what you want. A little tit for tat if you will.

Vince Vaughn and Justin Timberlake attended the Nickelodean Kid’s Choice Awards over the weekend. The two ended up covered in slime at the end of the night for some homo-erotic skit. Disgusted at first, JT’s demeanor gradually changed as the gooey man juice metaphor slid down his torso and into his ass crack. Afterwards, they shared a friendly “it was great, but it’s time to leave” hug before Vince stepped out for a post-conquest smoke. More pictures of Justin and Vince covered in sticky stuff after the jump.

Vince Vaughn’s friends claim Vince is desperate to win Jennifer Aniston back. Ever since breaking up, Vince has regretted his decision and has become lonely. Now that news of Jennifer Aniston wanting to adopt has surfaced, Vince feels even worse about the split.

The source added, “Vince feels responsible for Jennifer’s situation, because without him she’s being forced to go down the single mother route because of her age. He really does want to get married and have kids. It kills him to think about Jennifer bringing a child home on her own and taking on the whole responsibility by herself.”

There are two things I got from this. Vince Vaughn might be mildly retarded and his friends suck. It’s pretty clear Jennifer Aniston called this in and tried disguising her voice. Except instead of lowering her voice, she raised it. Then when they asked her for her name she said Alvin, wait no, Simon. Which means this story was brought to you by a talking chipmunk with two brothers.

I saw my first episode of Smallville in a long while. It’s almost as cheesy as CSI: Miami. This one was where they introduced the Justice League and apparently Aquaman is gay. At least that’s the vibe I got from the show. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, just I don’t remember this character having an ambiguous sexuality.

• Britney Spears sucks on a pacifier. [ICYDK]
• Not only does Kate Moss model, she also pushes cars out of the mud. [Celebslam]
• Kimberly Stewart wanted Lindsay Lohan to give her appendix to charity. [Celebitchy]
• Gisele Bundchen blames families for anorexia. [Derek Hail]
• Mischa Barton will not be joining Heroes. Praise Jesus. [Glitterati]
• Jessica Simpson got a facial. The wholesome kind. [Celebrity Smack]
• Vince Vaughn’s orgy. [CityRag]
• Venus: Going Out in Style. [Pajiba]
• The Razzie nominations. [Dlisted]

Who wouldn’t? Star magazine reports Vince hooked up with Laura Mallory Lane (the scary looking blond in the picture), a 20 year old sorority girl from Texas. I guess it’s more implied than reports. Over Thanksgiving, Vince was drinking with three girls from Trinity University in San Antonio and they ended up at his hotel. Vince asked Mallory to stay for another drink which she did. In an email to her sorority sisters titled “I shacked with Vince Vaughn” she pretty much says she sucked Vince:

We talked some more (and yes, we talked about Jen), and one thing led to another and obviously we were messing around before too long. We didn’t have sex, but it was just as good :)…

So it’s true what they say about sorority girls. That they’re respectable young ladies with a good head on their shoulders. Zing! Hey, where’s my applause?

Vince Vaughn has finally dumped Jennifer Aniston. At least that’s how I picture it. There hasn’t been anyone caring too much about the couple, but when Vince Vaughn, who’s been filming Fred Claus, decided to stay in Budapest rather than in LA with Aniston, the rumors started again. Vince in fact has been partying at Moulin Rouge, an exotic dance club with “explicit” shows.

Vaughn, who once starred in the flick “Swingers,” also partied at the techno hot spot Dokk, where he stayed until 4 a.m., flirting with several women in a private area at the back of the club, an onlooker said.

“He wasn’t there to dance,” a source told the mag. “It’s a meat market.”

Even the next day, Vaughn couldn’t get enough of the ladies. After chatting with a mystery blonde for 20 minutes at his hotel that morning – and receiving a kiss from her on the cheek – the actor got a $40 Swedish massage at the city’s Széchenyi baths.

I started to think of what to say about these two, but then I realized I was wasting valuable resources on Jennifer Aniston. So I’m going to give her what she really deserves. Imagine this in a nasally voice like Nelson from The Simpsons. Ha ha. Vince would rather spend Thanksgiving with strippers who could grip a bowling ball with their vagina than you.

Kevin Federline just got FU’d – And if you think I’m talking about the finger, then how wrong you are. John Cena has slammed K-Fed straight into a WWE highlight reel and hopefully into a pauper’s grave.

Britney wants to make a sexy comeback – If only eating pudding snacks constituted a workout, she’d be on the cover of Shape by now. Hey, maybe steroids can help. I hear it worked for Janet.

Vince Vaughn is sue happy – That sexy sexy lard ass is suing tabloids claiming he was unfaithful to Jennifer after he was caught kissing some blonde.