It felt like years, but Victoria Beckham finally made it onto American Vogue and even got a profile. It’s not the cover but beggars can’t be choosers. At least that’s what girls always tell me.

Admittedly, I just looked at the photos because after reading the first sentence, I realized I’d have no idea what the hell they were going to talk about. It started out with, “Have you ever been in a crèche before?,” and ended with me staring blankly and nodding like I understood. “Oooo, pretty pictures,” I then said quickly trying to change the subject.

Adele followed up her 6 wins and a standing ovation after her performance at the Grammys with a cover of Vogue. It’s a really long profile that you can read here but she talks about her life and talked about the burst blood vessel on her vocal cord that led to the discovery of a polyp. She also said she found comfort in John Mayer who had it done the same time she did and was also consoled by Roger Daltrey, Steven Tyler and Elton John.

“I am quite loud and bolshie,” she says (British slang for unruly and clamorous). “I’m a big personality. I walk into a room, big and tall and loud.” Indeed. There is no doubt when Adele is in the building. The rule of thumb for protecting one’s vocal cords, she tells me, is: If people are more than an arm’s length away, you shouldn’t talk to them. “But I am like, Wah! Wah! Wah!,” she says, laughing. “It’s really bad.” Vogue

Oh, okay. So Adele is sort of like Christina Aguilera when she walks into the room. Except, while Adele is yelling to talk to people, Christina is screaming for more cream cheese on her donuts which she demands everyone around her call “bagels.”

Emma Watson is in the July issue of Vogue hitting newsstands June 21st with photos shot by Mario Testino. At only 21, she’s already a multi-millionaire, cute and smart. She’s pretty much living proof that life isn’t fair. The full interview is at the Vogue website but one interesting thing to note that while she dropped out of Brown, she’s planning on going to college again. This time to a university closer to home.

In hopes of restoring some sanity to her schedule, she will go back to school in the fall somewhere closer to home. With that decision out of the way, Emma is currently figuring out what to do with her newfound freedom. Single since she broke up with Craig last summer, she smiles wistfully when asked whether she might have time for a relationship again. One of her favorite courses at Brown was on the psychology of love. Far from being put off the idea, she remains an incurable romantic: “I’m a feminist, but I think that romance has been taken away a bit for my generation. I think what people connect with in novels is this idea of an overpowering, encompassing love—and it being more important and special than anything and everything else.” When Emma does eventually meet the right man, she hopes they will be able to keep the relationship out of the spotlight. “I would love to not date someone in the same industry as me. Otherwise it becomes what it means to everyone else.”

Does a pasty blogger living in their parents’ basement count as someone not in the industry? If so, sign me up. Just don’t ask me to go outside. I get sunburned from just turning on the lights.

Lady Gaga is in the March edition of Vogue. The photoshoot, was, um, interesting. Not shocking, just strange as always. She looks like that kid in school who gets their hair cut by their mom.

The interview went as you’d expect and Jonathan, the interviewer, described her perfectly at one point. “Jonathan, wait,” she whined like a teenage girl in need of attention. That’s pretty much what this whole thing is. Now on to the quotes.

On her little monsters:
It is no secret that Lady Gaga has an especially intense relationship with her fans, whom she refers to as her “little monsters.” She has said more than once, “I see myself in them.” Why is that? “I was this really bad, rebellious misfit of a person—I still am—sneaking out, going to clubs, drugs, alcohol, older men, younger men. You imagine it, I did it. I was just a bad kid. And I look at them, and every show there’s a little more eyeliner, a little more freedom, and a little more ‘I don’t give a fuck about the bullies at my school.’ For some reason, the fans didn’t become more Top 40. They become even more of this cult following. It’s very strange and exciting.”

Gaga wants to be your cool, older sister:
“I am quite literally chest open, exposed, open-heart surgery every night on that stage, bleeding for my fans and my music. It’s so funny when people say, ‘It’s amazing to see how hard you work.’ We’re supposed to work hard! I have the world at my fingertips. I am not going to saunter around the stage doing pelvic thrusts and lip-synching. That’s not at all why I am in this. I don’t feel spiritually connected to anyone in Hollywood makeup and a gown with diamond earrings on. I am just a different breed. I want to be your cool older sister who you feel really connected with, who you feel understands you and refuses to judge anything about you because she’s been there.”

Accusations of her ripping off artists is a compliment:
“I could go on and on about all of the people I have been compared to—from Madonna to Grace Jones to Debbie Harry to Elton John to Marilyn Manson to Yoko Ono—but at a certain point you have to realize that what they are saying is that I am cut from the cloth of performer, that I am like all of those people in spirit.”

Her willpower and ability to embellish is second to none:
“I don’t know if you knew this,” she says, “but the other night, in London, I had food poisoning. I was vomiting backstage during the changes.” I had no idea, I say. “Nobody knew,” she says. “I just Jedi mind-tricked my body. You will not vomit onstage.

She’s modest too:
“Speaking purely from a musical standpoint, I think I am a great performer. I am a talented entertainer. I consider myself to have one of the greatest voices in the industry. I consider myself to be one of the greatest songwriters. I wouldn’t say that I am one of the greatest dancers, but I am really quite good at what I do.”

The takeaways from the interview are: Lady Gaga is the greatest entertainer of our generation, she’s an outcast just like her fans and the mainstream doesn’t understand her. Basically, she’s just so different and unique. Like a snowflake. It’s okay if you don’t “get” it. She doesn’t really either.

Angelina Jolie is in the December issue of Vogue and gives a lengthy interview with Vicki Woods. A few highlights including an excerpt where she credits Maddox for making her who she is:

On the reason she chose to co-star in The Tourist: I was looking for a very short thing to do before Brad started filming [Moneyball],” she says.“And I said I needed something that shoots not too long, in a nice location for my family. Somebody said there’s a script that’s been around, and it shoots in Venice and Paris. And I said, ‘Is it a character I haven’t played before?’ And they said, ‘Yes, it’s a lady.’ ” She laughs: Uhhuhhuhhehhehheh.

On her kids thinking she’s goth: “As Brad’ll tell you—and my kids—apparently Mommy only wears black,” she says. Because she was a Goth, right? No, she says, it’s utilitarian, it’s practical: “I like to get up so every pair of pants goes with every top, every dress goes with every shoe. I’ve a very tiny closet. Brad’s always laughing at me. Some days, yes, I have the nightgown that looks like a dress that I can sleep in and pick the kids up at school. And maybe take a meeting if I switch into heels.”

On making her own little UN: And that is why she does the child-rearing thing that she is most viciously excoriated for: first of all, hiring polyglot nannies in a kind of family language bank (one helper speaks Vietnamese to Pax; another, Cambodian to Maddox. “We have not yet attempted Amharic,” says Jolie—Zahara’s from Ethiopia—“but we will one day”).

On Pax being a better cook than she is: “Sometimes. I’m not the best cook. Pax is a better cook than me. Pax likes to cook. But I try to when I can. Any house that we’re in, we all chip in. But the kids are very sweet . . . so enthusiastic anytime I cook.

On how Maddox molded her into Mother Teresa: Especially Maddox; he’s just this little man that’s very supportive of me—it’s like he’s raised me a bit. So I cooked them all breakfast before school this morning, and he has that kind of ‘Thanks, Mom! Good job!’ ”

On Shiloh being weird: “Shiloh found a dead bird, so she came in and said, ‘Can I have a dead pet?’ And I’m . . . ‘Uh-uh, I don’t think it’s healthy, honey. I think they have to put him in a box,’ and I had to run out to find, like, a taxidermy bird. I just worked it out for her.”Did Shiloh know about taxidermy? “No. But I figured that I couldn’t keep the actual dead bird from the yard, so I swayed her toward one that had been cleaned, at least.”

I would have told my kid that if she wanted a dead bird, she’d have to go out there and kill one herself. You can’t let other people do all the work for you. That’s just good parenting.

Alright, that’s it. I’m turning vegan. Thanks a lot Vogue Hommes Japan. You totally ruined meat for me by draping it all over Lady Gaga’s naked body. To make it up to me, can you throw her in a bear and/or lion cage?

PETA has already issued a statement: “Oh, Lady Gaga’s job is to do outlandish things, and this certainly qualifies as outlandish because meat is something you want to avoid putting on or in your body.” Ha! Good luck trying to get someone like Paris Hilton to keep meat out of her body. Because she’s a whore, you see.

Despite being in rehab and despite her mother, Dina Lohan, lying on the Today show about how many times Lindsay has been in rehab, among other things, Lindsay still has photo spreads coming out. This one in Vogue. This one of her, um, I’m not sure. Living the fabulous life? None of these shoots make sense to me anymore.

Vogue magazine did a photo shoot with Rihanna and I’m happy to report that they convinced her to go topless. Sort of. They probably used the “artistic” line and told her they were shooting in black and white. That’s how you trick all these Hollywood girls into getting naked. You prey on their need to be taken seriously and not just used to peddle smut. Little do they know that’s exactly what they’re being used for right now. Heh heh heh.

Uncensored but still covered version here.

Back in 1998, Vogue magazine editor-in-chief Anna Wintour told Oprah Winfrey that she could stand to lose 20 pounds to be on the cover. The issue featuring Oprah eventually went on to become one of the most successful covers for Vogue. Wintour said,

“I’d just been on a trip to Minnesota, where I can only kindly describe most of the people I saw as little houses,” Wintour said. “There’s such an epidemic of obesity in the United States, and for some reason, everybody focuses on anorexia.”

She adds, “We need to spend money, time and education on teaching people to eat, exercise and take care of themselves in a healthier way. It [has gotten people] provoked, which is really the point.”

I agree. Fat people should be rounded up and chained to a treadmill, but I definitely wouldn’t say that to Oprah Winfrey’s face. There’s no way I would piss off the richest and most powerful person in the world. I don’t want to be stuffed into the back of a trunk and hunted for sport. Again.

Vogue’s cover of a very game Lebron James clutching smiling supermodel Gisele Bundchen has sparked outrage among a few citizens. People shouting racism claim the photo evokes a racial stereotype of the “black beast clutching a white damsel in distress” [Gisele is Brazilian...], made famous by Emmanuel Fremiet’s sculpture and King Kong. Lebron is the third man and first black man to ever grace the cover in Vogue’s 115 years.

“Here you have an image of a black male athlete in an exceptionally aggressive stance, wide footed, bending over, clutching her with his arm,” said Jason Rosenfeld, professor of art history at Marymount Manhattan College. “It’s one thing to have an athlete in that kind of pose and with that kind of expression on a court after he or she has done something miraculous. It’s another thing to couple it with someone who is of an entirely different ilk and gender. That turns it into a racially charged image.”

Vogue says the magazine is celebrating diversity and people are making something out of nothing.

“It’s so exhausting that every time people see an image of a black person they work themselves into a tizzy that somehow it doesn’t adhere to the way in which they think a black person should be presented,” she said.

“Needless to say, the intention from the beginning was only to depict LeBron and Gisele as superstars at the top of their game,” Vogue spokesperson Patrick O’Connell said. “The point about the entire issue is that it celebrates diversity. And I think that people need to look at the entire issue.”

You know what’s racist? Making Lebron bounce a basketball in the picture. Why do all black men have to be basketball players. Why can’t he just wear a top hat and monocle and swing a cane around like on a normal Vogue cover. What? Lebron is a basketball player? Oh… I, uh, still stand by my statement.

By the way, where ARE all the white women at?