In William Shatner’s upcoming biography, he details his sexual exploits with his rabid fans who only slept with him because of his character on Star Trek. Really. They pretended they were sleeping with a fictional character. Ha, loser.

The “Star Trek” legend tells Page Six his partners would dramatically gasp, “So, this is what it’s like to be in bed with Captain Kirk!” Shatner – whose autobiography, “Up Till Now,” hits stores today – laughed, “You can’t imagine how much of a downer that is in every sense of the word.”

Whatever. Making Star Trek nerds horny is only a simple matter of repeating Pi to the 50th place. It’s easy. And if you make it to the 100th place, I hear they orgasm.

Shatner also describes his first gay experience.

“I was wandering around Times Square and this guy says, ‘I’m going to Radio City Music Hall, would you like to come?’ And I said, ‘Oh, yes’ – [I thought] wow, New York is everything I heard it was going to be! We’re in the audience, I’m a young hot-blooded Canadian and out come the dancing girls, a plethora of women – and I feel his hand brush my knee. I thought, well, it’s an accident, then I felt it again. What the [bleep]? I got up and ran out.”

So there you have it. Some things happened in Captain Kirk’s life. They were moderately amusing. Amazing. Now get back to building your model Starship Enterprise, Poindexter.

The title should actually be “James Woods and William Shatner are dirty and a little creepy and old,” but I don’t think that would have fit. Jeri Ryan feels it’s better she isn’t one of those prissy girls. The Seven of Nine actress stars in Shark with James Woods and says:

“Within 30 seconds of meeting Jimmy, he began commenting on the ‘The Girls,’ as I refer to my boobs. In fact, ‘The Girls’ have become a constant topic of conversation on the set.”

James Woods isn’t the only one fascinated by her breasts, there’s also Billy.

Asked if she and William Shatner discussed “Star Trek” when they worked together on “Boston Legal,” she quipped: “Not really. He mainly talked about ‘The Girls.’ “

Just another reason why I should become an actor. Even when I’m in my 50′s and 60′s and about to die, I can still go on about my co-workers breasts like some blithering idiot without the searing pain in my nuts. Not only that, the older I get the more acceptable it is for me to have an erection while talking to someone like Jeri Ryan. Assuming I can still get it up at that age. I’d be pretty impressed if my penis survived the daily beatings I’m giving it now.