Zooey Deschanel showed up at Fox’s Upfront Presentation wearing this thing which almost looks like a heart showing off her cleavage. What would have made these pictures even hotter would have been if she wasn’t so white that she almost disappeared into the flash. I had to apply the “pale” filter in Photoshop just to get her to show up.

Zooey Deschanel’s sister, Emily, is four years older than her which meant she had a jump start in figuring out how to torment her. A jump start she fully used to her advantage.

Zooey was on Jimmy Kimmel Live where she joked that Emily was an “evil” sister and described how she used the plot of Invasion of the Body Snatchers to terrify her when she was 3 and Emily was 7.

“The Neptunians had killed my real sister and replaced her with a facsimile who looked just like her, talked just like her, but when my parents weren’t in the room, made crazy faces at me and talked like Vickie from ‘Small Wonder.’ I was terrified … She would make me cry and then my dad would come in and try to mediate, and then she would laugh.” Page Six

That’s it? I was expecting a better story. One that took place when Zooey was 16 and Emily was 20. A story that involved being forced to compete in an all girls underground lingerie pillow fighting championship where the only rules were “make out or die.” You can imagine my disappointment when I found out this didn’t happen.

This week we have:

• Amber Heard in Max
• Avril Lavigne in FHM Australia
• Cara Delevigne in Jalouse
• Chrissy Teigen in Dineila
• Gisele Bundchen in lingerie
• Jennifer Aniston and Paul Rudd in GQ
• Jessica Hart for Me in My Place
• Kate Upton in Esquire
• Kim Kardashian in Allure
• Kirsten Dunst in Vogue Italia
• Lake Bell in Esquire UK
• Megan Fox in Armani
• Rosie Huntington-Whitely in VS
• Shailene Woodley in VS
• Zooey Deschanel in Company

America’s indie darlings — I’m not sure if that’s accurate but I’d assume so — are getting a divorce. The whimsical woodland fairy, Zooey Deschanel, and the dulcet-toned indie rocker, Ben Gibbard, are ending their marriage of two years.

A rep for Zooey says the split is “amicable” and “mutual.” Though that remains to be seen. If Ben Gibbard’s next album is so depressing that you want to slit your wrists more than usual, then you know there might be hard feelings.

Sigh. And I thought these two were perfect for each other. I don’t know what to believe in anymore. *Tears off skinny jeans, cries*

Phew. For a second there I thought one of my girlfriends had escaped from the basement again. Thankfully, the caption said it was Zooey Deschanel filming for My Idiot Brother. Looks like I can deactivate the self-destruct device.

[Bauer]

Perennial indie actress Zooey Deschanel married indie rock legend/biggest dork ever Ben Gibbard of Death Cab for Cutie.The two married Saturday night near Seattle. Of course. So indie!

Not much will change for the two. Zooey Deschanel will continue to be the cutest pixie ever and Ben Gibbard will continue to be the dorkiest looking dude ever. I’m just surprised this report didn’t start out as whispers among the indie rock scene and only break into the mainstream because a big publisher wanted to seem hip. Or did it?

Here’s Jim Carrey and Zooey Deschanel at the premiere of Yes Man which is basically an updated version of Liar, Liar. Zooey’s looking great. Much prettier than her sister. That’s something you don’t want to say to her face by the way. My bruised gonads can attest to that. Also, if you do decide say it to her face, make sure you say it to Zooey, not Emily. You also might not want to follow it up with, “I want to F you so bad.”