Ashton Kutcher used to be cool

Before Ashton Kutcher met Demi Moore, he used to be a party boy who had girls ringing his doorbell in the middle of the night looking for a good time. Now that he’s married, Ashton calls his party days “retarded”.

It’s like this. You’re in the club. You’ve got a bottle of vodka. You’re standing on the couches. You’ve got your right-hand man Puffy standing there. You’ve got Danny and Wilmer and all of our guys hanging out, and the [bleeping] girls are fighting to see who’s going to go behind the table . . . Like gouging other bitches out of the way. And then you go, ‘All right, we’re going back to blah, blah, blah,’ and then you’re moving as a mass through the club and you pick up another 15 or 20 more along the way. Now you’ve gotten into a car with, like, four select girls . . . and you just start certain things up. It was so ego-fulfilling.”

Demi Moore is hot, but when you have half of young LA hotness banging on your door, willing to let you do whatever you want with them, it’s hard to justify spending the rest of your life with some plastic surgeon’s greatest work. It’s pretty much the reason why I’m still single and if anyone tells you different, then they’re probably just jealous or stalking me.

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