J. Lo’s publicist denies pregnancy

Jennifer Lopez

In response to Jesse McCartney’s slip of the tongue, Jennifer Lopez’s publicist says that she is 100% not pregnant. Just like I’m 100% not a genius. The commonality between both of those statements? They are ambiguous at best. Genius is such a subjective term.

A source close to Jennifer adds: “Jesse McCartney doesn’t even know Jennifer. His girlfriend has never even met Jennifer. She just got cast in the movie after Jennifer was already out. Jennifer is shooting the cover of a high fashion magazine. Do you think she could wear couture if she was pregnant?”

There is a simple celebrity pregnancy test. Someone just needs to go up to Jennifer and kick her in the stomach. If she clutches her abdomen and cries “My baby!”, then she’s pregnant. If she just cries, then all you did was kick J. Lo in the stomach. Jerk. If she keels over, rolls around on the ground and bawls, then I think you broke a rib. At this point you should stop kicking because you completely missed her stomach.

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Bill Surman

Trump has dispatched 140 helicopters, 28 ships, 6 Army field hospitals, 3 Navy seabee battalions, 5 US Army Combat Engineer battalions, 3 Civil affairs battalions, 2 nuclear subs capable of generating 2.8 gigawatts of electricity, given 300,000 tons of food, medical supplies and water from military stocks to Puerto Rico. But yea, boo Trump. SMH, Fucking losers.

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