Jessica Alba could take a crap in her hand and smear her feces over my face and I would be in shock. Not because I now smell like I just took a bath in a septic tank, but because a part of Jessica Alba has touched me. With that being said, one thing that I will not tolerate is Jessica Alba hanging out with the man whore they call Wilmer Valderrama. He must have stolen my diary because he’s systematically going down my list of people to have sex with. Uh, that’s if I kept a diary. Which I don’t. Oh, that pink book with a lock on it? It’s nothing. Nothing at all.
The Rest of the Web, Friday, 4.28.17
Sign Me Up for This Napping Fitness Class
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Jennifer Lawrence Is Totally Marrying Darren Aronofsky This Summer
Katy Perry’s New Song Empowers Women To Have Food Sex or Something
Ja Rule’s $12,000 Ticket Music Festival Ends in ‘Lord of the Flies’ Nightmare With Kidnapping and Mugging Rumors
Obama’s First Joke About Trump Was Perfect
Rita Ora’s Gonna Regret This Outfit One Day
It’s Kylie Jenner’s Soulless Dead Eyes…And Her Sexy Midriff!
Kendall Jenner Gets Camera Shy Which Is Really Ironic
R. Kelly Sued for Nailing Sheriff Deputy’s Wife and Giving Her Chlamydia