The Oscars were on last night

Hollywood’s biggest circle jerk was on last night. This year the Oscars gave people the greatest host ever in Ellen DeGeneres. I was so captivated that I almost died and I would have had the sleeping pills I took not been fiber supplements. But aside from the absence of comedy and my now much cleaner colon, the memories this farce gave me were well worth a numb ass.

Martin Scorsese finally won an Oscar, Forrest Whitaker managed to make people forget Ghost Dog ever existed and the cameras amazingly didn’t crack under 100 lbs. of fugly when Cameron Diaz lumbered out. Yes, the smell of success was in the air as Jennifer Hudson twisted the knife already buried to the hilt in Beyonce’s chest by winning Best Supporting Actress while The Departed stomped on competition like cockroaches taking home four wins including the coveted Best Picture. Let’s not forget the best part though. The pictures (Naomi Watts above looks pregnant). Lots more after the jump.

Anne Hathaway
She looked kind of cute. Probably because I’ve seen her naked before.

Beyonce Knowles
Point and laugh everybody. She stands in Jennifer Hudson’s shadow, physically and metaphorically.

Cameron Diaz
Thank God for eyelids.

Cate Blanchett
I’d possibly do her if she were my teacher. Possibly.

Eva Green
She eats souls and babies. Not necessarily in that order. I’m scared.

Gwyneth Paltrow
I never noticed her hair hid such a huge face.

Jennifer Lopez
Cute, she brought along her pet rat.

Jessica Biel
Simply asstastic.

Kate Winslet
That other Kate. With a “K”. I saw her naked before too. I’m such a stud.

Kirsten Dunst
Oh jesus.

Leonardo DiCaprio
Not sure what to say about this guy.

Maggie Gyllenhall
She said her brother Jake liked vaginas. Inside-out vaginas.

Nicole Kidman
Looks like someone really loves injecting bovine protein into their face.

Penelope Cruz

Portia De Rossi
How did Ellen convince this girl to have lesbian sex with her?

Rachel Weisz
You could theoretically destroy your retinas if you stared at Rachel Weisz long enough.

Reese Witherspoon
She could open coffee cans with that chin.

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