ESC

Paris Hilton is going to jail

Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton has been sentenced to 45 days in jail at the Century Regional Detention Facility (CRDF). The Los Angeles County Superior Court judge determined Paris Hilton violated her probation due to repeatedly driving with a suspended license. She will begin her sentence on June 5. Her sentence will be doubled if she does not show up on time.

An emotional Paris, with tears welling up in her eyes, told the judge moments before the decision “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Witnesses inside the courtroom say that Paris’ parents, Rick and Kathy Hilton, were both visibly upset as the sentence was handed down. Kathy, we’re told, was especially distraught.

The judge called out her rep Elliot Mintz in court, describing his testimony as “completely worthless.” He also told Paris that he did not believe that she was unaware of her license suspension, adding that she had paperwork in her car stating that her license was suspended.

CRDF rests on a beautiful estate in Lynwood, Calif.; minutes away from Paris’ homies in Compton. The socialite needn’t worry about going hungry either. Three squares a day are served so she won’t have to endure Nicole Richie like taunts when she’s released. She will get 1 hour to watch tv, talk on the phone and take a shower.

One time I saw this guy save five babies from drowning at once, kill terrorists with his bare hands and punch Satan in the nuts. Then he ended the day by bringing 5 supermodels to simultaneous orgasm. Judge Michael T. Sauer has just replaced him as my hero. I salute you Judge Michael T. Sauer. You have earned this free pass into Heaven. Not like that bitch Jesus. He still hasn’t turned my water into wine.

By the way, if you haven’t figured it out yet, that guy was me. Hail to the king, baby.

Update: This is sad face Paris. Can you tell? Here’s a bonus trivia question: Who was 20 minutes late for their court date? The answer may shock you.

  • Rev

    I wish people would at least use enough of the cheesy “they let you grab them by the pussy” to remind people he was bragging about the things gold diggers let rich guys do.

  • LegalDementia

    Obama was actually a bigger racist than Trump but the “Nobel Prize Winner” is given a free pass by the liberal media and KoolAid drinking Democrats because he was something new and had to be praised and protected because of his color. His administration was racked with corruption (IRS, State Department, DOJ, FBI, NSA, Benghazi coverup, etc.), race relations deteriorated significantly (Baltimore, Detroit, Chicago, Dallas, Travon Martin, The Beer Summit, Black Lives Matter, Al Sharpton, Jeremiah Wright, etc.) under useless Barry. He gave us Hillary Clinton, hilariously calling her “the most qualified person ever to run for POTUS!” Together they wrecked the Democratic party for years to come and created racial divisions that may never heal. So when an asshole, pseudo-journalist like Erc Karnes calls Trump a racist…you just have to laugh!

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