Britney is in the news today

Britney Spears is all over the news today so I’m going to take a cue from those other sites and draw up a list. Lists are fun.

Kevin wants to rescue the kids
The National Enquirer claims Kevin Federline has video from 15 surveillance cameras from their Malibu estate. It contains these white trash gems,

In one tape, Britney slaps Kevin after screaming at him about a weekend he spent in Vegas. In another incident taped Britney whacked Kevin with a frying pan. “Kevin was going to use the frying pan, but Britney grabbed it and hit him with it when he turned his back,” said the insider. “He grabbed the pan out of her hand and walked away, but she hurled an ashtray at him. He dodged it, and it hit the sliding glass door.” In addition to the video tapes, Kevin has voicemail tapes of Britney admitting she was out drinking with friends, the insider revealed. “Kevin believes that Britney lets the boys run around with dirty diapers because she’s too lazy to change them.”

Just like those Saturday morning cartoons!

Britney’s assistant for 3 weeks was served
Shannon Funk was served late Tuesday in Long Beach to testify in Britney’s upcoming divorce case.

Britney told her kids they were mistakes
Britney makes out with men in front of her kids and puts whitening strips on their teeth according to Star Magazine.

Britney is a lesbian
Britney slept with her assistant Shannon Funk the night her boobs were groped by that Matt kid. She also hit on Jenna Jameson.

Britney may perform at the VMAs
Britney could be a surprise performer at the upcoming MTV VMAs.

Britney likes to drink and be whorey
Us Magazine says Britney drinks in front of her kids to help her loosen up and not be so angry, but eventually ends up drunk. She once asked a nanny to sleep in the same bed as her and Sean Preston. Britney also regularly strips down in front of her staff and asks them if she’s sexy.

Today is an all out assault on Britney Spears. Is Kevin Federline the mastermind behind all this? Could Kevin Federline mastermind anything? Can Kevin even make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Does Kevin even remember how to swallow? What’s the weather like today? Am I sexy or handsome? Are those the same things? The answer to all these questions: Donuts.

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