Charlie Sheen should have been a writer

I linked to this yesterday, but this is too brilliant. Last week, Denise Richards included e-mails sent to her from Charlie Sheen in documents in their custody battle. Here are a few of them as reported by Page Six. Factoid: Denise’s mom is undergoing chemo.

“GO cry to your bald mom, you fucking loser.”

“You are a pig. A sad, jobless pig who is sad and talentless and sad and jobless and evil and a bad mom, so go f**k yourself sad jobless pig,” reads another.

“You are an evil piece of s**t. I can’t wait to tell the world what a piece of s**t you are. You don’t get a fucking dime till this is resolved,” says a third e-mail.

Glad to see Charlie Sheen believes that repetition is the key to success too. As an added bonus, also included in documents are pictures of Sheen’s “erect penis” he used on sex sites. Not just straight sex sites, but gay ones too, where, according to Denise, the boys looked disturbingly young.

The fun doesn’t stop there. Documents also show Sheen to be an authority on child development.

Richards accuses Sheen of punching the headboard of their bed once in a rage, and telling her that by no longer breast-feeding, she was causing their daughter, Sam, to “become retarded.”

Finally, there’s evidence of regret. Not for what he said and did, but for his life.

“He took a large wedding photo off the wall. He had it placed in our garage. He sawed the picture in half and took spray paint and sprayed ‘the dumbest day of my life,’ ” Richards claims in the documents.

A month prior to the lewd e-mails, Sheen tried to apologize. “I have been responsible for some of the worst dialogue and venom-spewing behavior in the past few weeks that I can possibly recall, ever,” he wrote. “The anger and frustration that our situation has generated is beginning to manifest itself in physical forms and cellular regression.”

But less than two weeks later, he was sending Richards e-mails such as, “You are a horrible mom. Save your phony flowers for any one of your 30 dogs.”

The few things I got from this are that Denise is a sad, jobless pig, their daughter might be retarded and that Charlie Sheen really likes to drive his point home. He’s what Hitler would have been like if Hitler was a repressed housewife and less killer-ish.

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15 years ago

Hmm, lemme see here, and didn’t she just want another baby with him?