Not content to be the no. 1 vapid whore of this century, Paris Hilton also wants to be the no. 1 vapid whore of next century and the century after that. To accomplish such a feat, Paris has decided to be cryogenically frozen with her two dogs and live in suspended animation until they can make her impervious to any STD (rumored to be her only weakness). The hotel heiress is said to have invested a lot of money into the Cryonics Institute, the world’s largest suspended animation cemetery. Paris gushes,
“It’s so cool. Almost all the cells in the body are still alive when death is pronounced. And if you’re immediately cooled, you can be perfectly preserved. My life could be extended by hundreds and thousands of years.”
I’m delighted that Paris has decided to be frozen. All I have to do now is buy a large freezer, decorate it with pink glitter and tell her to step inside. Then when she’s completely frozen through, I can push her off a really tall building. If you guys decide to organize a parade for me, I’d like to suggest supermodels pillow-fighting on floats. Naked… supermodels. Here’s Paris at the Scream Awards.
The Pope Has to Root for Michigan Football After Getting These Jordans
Waste Your Time Today Looking For A Snake
‘Silence of the Lambs’ Director Jonathan Demme Dies at 73
United Is Now Killing Giant Rabbits
This Is Aaron Hernandez’s Alleged Prison Lover
Ashley Graham Sticks Her Breasts in Your Face
Christina Aguilera’s Cleavage Makes Its Return
The Rest of the Web, Tuesday, 4.25.17
Whose Penis Does Caitlyn Jenner Have to Cut Off to Get Some Ratings Around Here??
‘The Dark Knight’ Didn’t Kill Heath Ledger
Ivanka Trump Booed At Women’s Summit
Why Chris Pratt Won’t Take A Picture With You