Penelope Cruz was hanging out at the beach in Maldives in a bikini with her boyfriend Javier Bardem. You can’t see me, but I’m floating underneath the surface of the water waiting for Penelope to take a swim. When she does, that’s when, like a cobra, I’ll strike, grabbing her boob and making a honking noise and then swimming away gracefully like a dolphin. Me – 1. Javier Bardem – 0.