Britney will die soon

An upcoming issue of US Magazine reveals clues to Britney’s recent history of unexplainable behavior. The shocking details include:

Personal Issues

“…that Spears lost her virginity at 14 to boyfriend Reg Jones, and that she and Justin Timberlake were intimate from the beginning.”

Family Issues

“Us has learned that Spears’ paternal grandmother, Emma Jean Spears, in June 1966 committed suicide at age 31. Britney’s grandmother, who suffered from depression, shot herself in the chest with a shotgun at the grave of her infant son….Emma Jean Spears left behind four other children, including Britney’s father, Jamie Spears, then an eighth grader. Two of Jamie Spears’ brothers ended up with criminal records and homeless.

When kids have sex at 14, they usually don’t end up valedictorians. If listening to Loveline has taught me anything, they usually were abused as children, feel a need to sexualize themselves early on and exhibit self-destructive tendencies. Check, check and check. Will this girl make it to 30? I wonder if Las Vegas has odds on this.

After reading US Magazine’s article, I’ve got a weird lump in my stomach. A foreign sensation rarely felt. Wait, wait.. I think I can put a finger on it. Yes. It’s sympathy. – CS

Editor’s note: Whoa, watch it with those “feelings”

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16 years ago

to tell the truth i feel dont feel sorry for brit because i know she’ll bounce right back and i like her new single