Katie Holmes ran a marathon, maybe

Katie Holmes ran a 26.2 mile marathon in New York over the weekend and crossed the finish line in 5 hours and 29 minutes. She finished 34,193th out of 39,085 runners competing. As you can tell, it was a grueling walk at 12 minutes per mile. Whew. Beads of sweat are dripping down my face just thinking about it.

Cruise told PEOPLE that he is “very” proud of Holmes, whom he finds “inspired. She trained for three months.”

Wait… 3 months? Did her training regime consist of walking to the fridge and back to get a Dr. Pepper?

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16 years ago

She’s practicing for her eventual escape from Tom. Little does she know, Tom has super-Scientological powers that let him fly and capture her anywhere in the world.

Plus, the agreement they signed does not allow her to leave. EVER.