Cruz and Bardem to marry

I’m not sure why you’d care, but Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem are planning to marry. The National Enquirer said his mom told him to do it.

“Pilar took her son aside and told him, ‘What’s the matter with you? She’s perfect! You love her, she loves you. Get married.'”

The foundation for a happy marriage always begins with your mom talking you into it. The next step is having your mom in your hotel suite on your wedding night telling you you’re “doing everything wrong” and that you’re “supposed to go like this,” making a hole with one hand and thrusting her index finger from the other hand in and out of it. Your wife will see family means a lot to you and will love you even more. That or she’ll freak out and run away like a cougar was chasing her.

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13 years ago

I love Penelope Cruz. Or possibly her breasts.

Congratulations to the lucky couple — Penelope and Javier, I mean.

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