Jennifer Aniston has issues

OK! and Star are bummed that PEOPLE landed the exclusive rights to Angelina Jolie’s twins. But that’s ok. They’ll make up stuff about Angelina’s archenemies, Jennifer Aniston, to get back their readers.

In their latest issues, OK! claims Jennifer Aniston is marrying John Mayer and they have the details of her dream wedding while Star claims that Jennifer Aniston is ready to have John Mayer’s baby. Both reports have been quickly refuted by Aniston’s rep who stated, “Both headlines are complete fabrications.”

It’s true. No one wants to marry Jennifer Aniston or raise children with her. She’s the fun girl you date before you decide to settle down. She’s dull in every way imaginable, except in the bedroom. She’ll let you try anything. Even that candle wax thing. Then when you’re bored, you toss her aside and marry someone like Angelina Jolie. She’ll be left there lonely and crying which is both sad and unattractive. No wonder she can’t keep a man. Always with the tears.

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