Madonna turned 50

Madonna and 90 of her closest friends celebrated her 50th birthday over the weekend. Much to her disappointment, 40 of those friends were her backup dancers and the rest were no one of note. Guy got up and, most likely as a result of a lot of alcohol, said, “She looks better now than she ever has done. I’m so proud. I love her so much.” Madonna’s unfortunately unibrowed daughter sang Never Alone from Fame after which Madonna gave a 30 minute speech.

Of the guests at the £100,000 party, 40 were Madonna’s dancers. A friend said: “She loved it when her songs came on. Her dancers were pulling out all the moves, breakdancing around her. It was like a final rehearsal for the tour.”

One day you’ll be lucky enough to attend one of these parties where 50-year-olds grind around the dance floor using moves they ripped off from strippers. Just don’t forget about the theme: Disgusting. So, it’d be a good idea to bring your grandma dressed in stripper heels and edible panties. You want to win the dance off don’t you?