Megan Fox was a teenage lesbian

Megan Fox gave a rather frank interview for this month’s GQ. She’s not afraid to say “F**k Disney” for their treatment of Miley Cyrus and Vanessa Hudgens, not shy about talking about cupping her boyfriend’s balls in public and tells of the days she was in love with a Russian stripper who worked at the Body Shop strip club on Sunset.

“Well, that year my boyfriend broke up with me, and I decided—oh man; sorry, Mommy!—that I was in love with this girl that worked at the Body Shop [a strip club on Sunset Boulevard]. I decided that I was going to get her to love me back, and I went out of my way to create a relationship with this girl, a stripper named Nikita. I was there all the time—I would go there by myself. I bought her things—perfume, body spray, girlie stuff. I turned into a weird middle-aged married man. I felt like I had this need to save Nikita. I’d get lap dances so I could get to know her, and I’d give her what I thought were great little sound bites of inspiration—like You can do it, you’re better than this! I didn’t want her to be there.”

“No. Well, she did smell good. Like vanilla. She was sort of a tough badass, but she’d do these beautiful slow dances to Aerosmith ballads. She had really long stick-straight hair and was Russian. I just liked her. She was really sadistic and sarcastic and funny.”

Megan Fox may be a low rent version of Angelina Jolie, but I don’t care. She’s willing to walk the floors of Comic-Con, albeit with a bodyguard, and use phrases like “that place smelled like milk farts,” to describe the odor. She’s the kind of girl you bring home to meet your parents. At the dinner table, she’ll “cup it a little” while simultaneously hitting on your mom. The evening will be best described as awkward, but hot and filled with the possibility of a threesome.