David Spade was profiled for LA Mag in an attempt to discover how the 67 inch funny man manages to pull in models and actresses out of his league like Krista Allen, Heather Locklear, Jessica Biel and Jillian Grace, who he recently had a kid with. Eight clicks and many anecdotes later, you’re no closer to knowing his secret.
The fourth time I tried to learn Spade’s secret was when I phoned his friend Courteney Cox Arquette. I’m writing about the greatest ladies’ man of all time, I said. David Spade.
“Every time I see David,” she said, “he’s always with a beautiful girl! I saw him recently with a girl. She was the most gorgeous, gorgeous, nice person I’d ever seen.”
I asked if she had any explanation for Spade. She didn’t hesitate.
There it was, that most durable of urban legends: Women prize a sense of humor above all other qualities.
Right, I said. Funny. Carrot Top is funny, and somehow I don’t see women throwing themselves at Carrot Top.
“I don’t really know anything about Carrot Top,” Cox Arquette said.
She launched into a thoughtful sidebar on the merits of Carrot Top, choosing her words with care, as if she feared Carrot Top might be listening in.
Let’s set aside Carrot Top, I said. There must be something more to Spade than his sense of humor.
“I like his teeth,” she said. “He has good teeth.”
Funny and toothy? That’s it?
She fell silent.
“He’s smart,” she added. “You have to have a full package.”
Now we both fell silent.
“That sounded weird,” she said. “I’ve never seen his package.”
David’s secret is pretty obvious. Roofies. And lots of it. Don’t you ever wonder why when David Spade goes out on a date with someone much hotter than him, you don’t hear about it afterward? Because they don’t remember. Not only that, if you’re funny and toothy like Courtney Cox says David is, that just means it’ll be easier to slip it in her drink. Trust me on this. I did my own profile on David by looking at a bunch of naked chicks on the internet.