Last time Paris Hilton was in London, she made a baffling $140,000 in appearance fees. This time around, with the struggling economy, she only managed to make $50,000. Let’s all stop filling that job application for McDonald’s for a second and laugh at her. Haha, you suck.

‘Paris demanded £50,000 from Paper nightclub. They were prepared to pay – but on the condition that she turn up twice, not go anywhere else before or after that evening, and stay for a minimum of two hours.

‘But she didn’t want to adhere to all the conditions so the club cancelled her appearance.’

Our spy added: ‘Whisky Mist also refused to pay. But she went there anyway because there was a chance that she would bump into royalty – and she did in the end.

‘The only club that paid her was Movida, and that was an estimated £25,000. Although it’s a lot of money, to Paris’s people it’s nowhere near as much as she used to be able to command.’

Movida. You’re a bunch of enablers. Didn’t you get the memo that we were supposed to lowball her? I believe the agreed upon payment was 100 rubles. Why would you do this to us? Do you hate us that much to let Paris survive another year? What have we ever done to you? Oh… that. Okay, but look, the gonorrhea scare was just that. A scare. A false positive. God, Movida. You can’t still be mad about that can you?

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