O.J. Simpson sentenced to 15 years in prison

O.J. Simpson

O.J. Simpson was given 15 years in prison for kidnapping and armed robbery of two sports memorabilia dealers in a Palace Station Hotel room in Vegas. He will be eligible for parole in 6 years. During the sentencing, O.J. whined:

“I just wanted my personal things. I was stupid. I’m sorry. I didn’t know I was doing anything illegal. I thought I was confronting friends. I thought I was retrieving my things. I didn’t mean to hurt anybody and I didn’t mean to steal anything.”

Here’s some words of advice for The Juice. One: Where you’re going, apologizing like that is a sign of weakness. You might not want to do that. Two: Remember to relax your ass cheeks before Big Bob shanks your butt with his penis. It’ll hurt a lot less.