I had to Google how old Ali Lohan is. I thought she was 27, but turns out she’s 15. Jesus. It’s like she has that disease that makes you age faster than everyone else. By the time she’s 18, her breasts will be swinging down by her knees and she’ll be sitting in a rocking chair telling kids three years her younger to get off her lawn. While other kids consider their 18th birthday a milestone because they get to go to strip clubs, Ali will consider hers a milestone because she’ll finally get her AARP card.