Lindsay Lohan in shorts

Lindsay Lohan is firing back at all those rumors about her sobriety, bank account and relationship with Samantha Ronson. She says for people to not believe everything they read and that deep down she’s a good person. In fact, Lindsay doesn’t even drink, do drugs or lie. She manages to tell E! Online all this with a straight face.

“I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs and I don’t lie,” she said. “I love to act and write and be creative, and I want to help people by playing characters that can send a positive message out to whomever may need it.”

Then she goes on to blame people speculating about her personal life as one of the reasons she hasn’t won an Oscar.

“I move forward and I change. Life’s too short not to. If people would just leave my personal life alone—because it’s really not that interesting—then I could land a great role. But all the sicko fans and the noise is so distracting.”

Yes. Blame everyone and everything except for your lack of ability. That’s the celebrity way.

But Lindsay isn’t too much of a downer. She has dreams. Amazing ones that will never be realized, unfortunately.

“I’d like to have my own charity, do work overseas, be in Oscar-nominated films, write movies, produce movies/shows/videos, design clothes, make music, write books, etc.

“It’s all possible if people would just stop judging me and accusing me and making me out to be this aloof, spoiled, ungrateful and unprofessional person that I am not and could never be.”

Once again, it’s the people’s fault that she hasn’t done any of these things. We should all be so ashamed of ourselves for crushing this girl’s hopes.

Lohan hasn’t lost the faith though.

“With everything that’s gone on with my family, my parents still taught us how to have tact, class, respect for others and how to follow our dreams and never change who we are for anyone or anything.

“No. 1 is perfect, and perfect is impossible. You have to make mistakes to learn so that you can grow up and live your life the right way. Things happen, and you have to move on, be strong and believe in yourself. It would be really nice if people would believe in me.”

Wait. Does that say “No. 1” as in “number one?” I don’t get it.

Anyway, reading this through, we get the sense that Lindsay thinks she’ll be great at everything. She just needs you, the people that she despises, to believe in her. So, won’t you, you no good scum of the Earth, come along and believe?

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