This is what marriage is all about

If you thought marriage was a contract binding you to a life of responsibility and maturity, think again. Marriage is awesome. Especially when the wife isn’t around and is instead replaced by drunken strippers and a makeshift Slip ‘n’ Slide.

Last weekend, when Pete Wentz finished his concert in Irvine, his wife Ashlee Simpson, who was in attendance, rushed back home and Twittered: “I am beyond sad to leave my love… My heart is breaking as we drive home.” Then she posted a picture of her kissing their kid, Bronx.

The next day, Pete played in Vegas and, saddened to be without his Ashlee and his Bronx, consoled himself by grinding on a bunch of strippers.

“Everybody was going absolutely crazy,” an eyewitness tells Star. “People were even drunkenly playing makeshift Slip ‘n’ Slide with a mat and lubricant. And Pete was in great spirits. He was dancing and singing along to his band’s own songs, grinding up against the dancers.”

Take it from Pete. The keys to a successful marriage are A) Telling your wife you love her, B) Driving to Vegas, C) Telling the drunk strippers you party with that your wife is cool with you sleeping around and D) Adding that anal doesn’t count as cheating.

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14 years ago

Wait… are you saying anal DOES count as cheating?