He isn’t married

Good news: Sienna Miller finally found a guy who isn’t married. Not so great news: He calls himself Slinky Wizard. Sad news: This means he’s legally retarded. Better news: Sienna Miller is in a bikini. Even better news: Since he’s legally retarded, he might drown if he falls into the ocean leaving Sienna single and horny. Best news: She might let me have sex with her.

This story turned out to be quite the emotional roller coaster, didn’t it. I had to fan myself to keep from fainting while typing that. Thankfully it ended with the possibility of a celebrity sleeping with me as I think most stories should.

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