Go away, Screech

There’s been news of Dustin Diamond’s tell-all for quite some time, but Us Weekly recently got a sneak peek into what may or may not be unsavory behavior of his co-stars while on set. It’s hard to tell as Diamond is like a 12-year-old girl when it comes to sharing secrets. He can’t exactly tell you, but if you guess it then it’s not like he is telling you, right?

“I could smell a certain ‘smoke,’ wafting from from the crack” underneath his castmates’ dressing rooms, says Diamond, 32, who played the dork Screech.”

“If Kelly [Tiffani Thiessen] was interested in Slater [Mario Lopez] one week, then backstage there was a lot going between them in Mario [Lopez]’s room,” he tells the new Us Weekly. “Then, if Jessie [Elizabeth Berkley] kisses Zack, then you know Elizabeth Berkley is going in Mark-Paul’s room.”

Screech, if you’re going to write a tell-all, I’m going to need some details. What was the certain smoke? Was it Elizabeth Berkley’s peach scented incense? Were pork chop sandwiches burning? What was Tiffani doing in Mario’s room? Were they rehearsing lines? Or are you implying they were doing lines? Either man up and specifically tell the secret or don’t. God has graced me with the skill of part-time writing, Screech, not solving the vague revelations in your book.