Jon & Kate cannot be saved

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In what may come as a shock to some of you, Jon sat down for a one-on-one interview with Good Morning America and revealed that he “despises” Kate. Jon says that Kate stole his wedding ring and believes she cheated on him with her bodyguard. He goes on to describe how he was abused and beaten down and then talks about when he finally rediscovered his balls.

“Our relationship will never be fixed,” he tells ABC News’ Chris Cuomo. “… I don’t trust her anymore. I was abused … I was beaten down … I’m not going back to that life style.”

Jon says their marriage reached a breaking point when he “stood up to Kate” for the first time, telling her that he wanted to go out with his friends.

“In 10 years, I’ve never gone out … When she said, ‘I don’t want you going out,’ I … I used to say, ‘OK, I’m not going to go out.’ I was very passive. This is the first time I said, ‘You know what? I want to see my friends. I’m going out,'” he says. “That was the first time in my life I ever stood up to Kate … I just felt like I had to take back some time in my life, and I did it. And I felt really good. I made my own decision … I was beaten down for so long, I couldn’t even make my own decision. And when I did, I was like, holy cow! You know? Yeah, what’s she gonna do? Divorce me? All right. Obviously. You know.”

I like the part of the story where Jon becomes a real boy like Pinocchio. It feels like we should start a slow clap for Jon which eventually turns into thunderous applause. And I might if it wasn’t for the fact that he’s been okay with Kate putting his balls in a jar of formaldehyde for 10 years. Kate probably had parties where she bragged to everyone how she got them in six months time. She probably tied Jon’s balls across her shoulder like the Predator.