Suzanne Somers holds the key to curing cancer

Cancer survivor Suzanne Somers has made bold claims that the chemotherapy Patrick Swayze underwent for his pancreatic cancer poisoned him. Luckily, there’s no controversy since no one cares what Suzanne Somers thinks. Somers is like that homeless guy screaming about kittens being our overlords who you nod your head at as you quickly walk by.

“They took a beautiful man” and “put poison in his body,” the “Three’s Company” star told columnist Shinan Govani at the party for Tom Ford’s movie, “A Single Man,” at the Toronto Film Festival. While Julianne Moore, Naomi Watts, Clive Owen and Colin Firth made chitchat, Somers, who has a book about cancer coming out next month, said: “Why couldn’t they have built him up nutritionally and gotten rid of the toxins? . . . I hate to be this controversial . . . but I have to speak out.”

Wait. I’ve changed my mind. Suzanne Somers may be on to something. Why has Western medicine yet to discover that mixing a bunch of common foods like honey, barley, rosewater and red pepper can flush out cancer from your body like Draino? It’s so obvious.

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