You’re all jerks

Everyone with an ounce of logic knows that Jessica Simpson’s dog, Daisy, was probably eaten by the coyote that snatched her. People have told her as much. They said Jessica should give up the fruitless search for Daisy and stop trying to convince herself that she used her superman-like speed to escape the coyote’s jaws.

Well, you know what, haters? Jessica thinks you’re an asshole. In her latest Twitter update, she writes:

Still holding out hope despite the assholes that say is it a dumb thing to do. Daisy is my baby…why would I stop searching? I’m a mom.

First of all, you’re not god damn Angelina Jolie in Changeling. Second of all, that’s given me a great idea. Let’s buy a similar looking Maltese poodle and tell Jessica we’ve found Daisy. If Jessica asks why the new dog no longer responds to “Daisy” or any other commands anymore, we can just say it’s suffering from PTSD. I’m pretty sure Jessica is dumb enough to buy that story.

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