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Nicole Richie took to PEOPLE to show off her latest experiment in parenting, Sparrow James Midnight Madden. She says she couldn’t be happier and that blah blah blah. Who cares. What you really want to see is how a kid produced by Nicole Richie and Joel Madden turned out. The answer: kind of creepy. It looks like he’s planning something sinister. This baby is not to be trusted. Behind the drool and baby throw-up lies an evil mastermind. You can already see him tenting his fingers and muttering, “Egggcellent,” under his breath.

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