Channing Tatum burned his penis

In the February issue of Details, Channing Tatum, a former stripper, talks about his penis (of course he does, this is Details, remember?) and how he badly burned it and how women should defer their sex requests to me now. Tatum says that while filming The Eagle of the Ninth last October in the freezing Scottish Highlands,

“The only way to keep warm was by pouring a mix of boiling water and river water down your suit. We were finally done shooting for the day, and one of the crew guys asks if I want to warm up before I go. I’m like, Nah, I’m good. And then I thought, Why not? Thing is, he’d forgotten to dilute the kettle water. So he poured scalding water down my suit. And I was trying to pull the suit away from my body to somehow get away from the boiling water, and the more I pulled the suit away, the lower the water went. It just went straight down and pretty much burned the skin off the head of my dick.”

Tatum was rushed to the nearest hospital—an hour away. Before long, the ice pack he was applying to the burn lost its chill. “I said to the driver, who was ex-special-forces Marines, ‘You might have to knock me out, because I don’t know if I can take the pain. Just grab something and hit me on the back of my head.'” Morphine finally KO’d the agony, and a team of doctors salved and bandaged his wound. “I had five guys looking at my shriveled, burned penis,” he says proudly.

I can think of a hundred better ways to keep warm other than pouring boiling water down my shirt. Maybe one of those hand warmer packets that you carry around in the cold or maybe a trailer with a heater. Don’t movie stars get those? Thankfully, Channing’s penis is alright. Uh, I mean. That’s what I would say if I cared about the state of his penis. But I don’t. What I really mean is, “Ha ha! Loser!”