Charlie Sheen to be arrested, had car stolen

Charlie Sheen will be charged today or Monday with felony menacing and misdemeanor assault for choking his wife Brooke Mueller, putting a 4-inch switchblade to her throat and threatening to kill her when she said she wanted a divorce. I guess that’s one way to make her stay. Women love it when men take charge.

Brooke will be in court on Monday with Sheen. Sheen still claims all that happened was that they slapped each other on the arms. But people recognize that excuse as complete bs. Who does that? That doesn’t even happen in cartoons.

In related news, Sheen’s SUV was found crashed in a ravine near his home. Cops were told at around 4 a.m. about the incident which is around the same time Sheen reported his car stolen. A search of the area yielded no evidence of anyone being in the car. It is being treated as an auto theft.

When asked for comment, Sheen muttered, “Wait, you said the car was in a ravine, not a hooker, right?” Sheen then let out a sigh of relief when the reporter confirmed this.