Heidi Montag can’t do anything after plastic surgery

Heidi Montag was on On Air with Ryan Seacrest Monday detailing her ten pointless plastic surgeries. Heidi says that now she pretty much has to be encased in glass like a real barbie doll or because any contact might break her.

In addition to familiar-sounding enhancements — nose, cheekbone and chin jobs, eyebrow lift, breast enlargement, fat injections — Montag said that she also “had my back scooped.”

When Ryan Seacrest asked her to clarify what a “back scoop” is, Montag replied, “I actually didn’t know. I might be the first one to try it. It carves out your back a little bit.”

The star said she also “had my waist cinched in on both sides.”

And the reality star has all the gory details on tape. “I have the footage of my ten procedures,” Montag warned. “Going into it, getting it done…I’ve watched a little bit.” The bloody footage might see the light of day in a future reality show, Montag hinted.

Post-surgery, Montag says she “has a great body now,” but there are drawbacks. “I’m very weird about hugging people now — [my body] is very fragile.”

And, with breasts that are now size “E or F” depending on the bra, Montag said that jogging is also out.

God bless this big breasted idiot. She doesn’t even know what a back scoop is but hell if that’s going to stop her from doing it. And nevermind that all of these surgeries, save for the breast augmentation, were, at best, a lateral improvement, she’s still oblivious enough to be happy with them. So you can see from all this how Heidi could potentially be the perfect woman. She’s open to most anything. Even anal. As long as you told her it’ll make her physically more attractive. Which it totally will.


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