Megan Fox says dumb things in Allure

Megan Fox is really hot. If she were to walk into a crowded room, my penis would be like a divining rod and point straight at her. It’d come up so fast that it would leave a penis shaped stab wound in whoever stood in front of me. However, things change when she opens her mouth. Not by much, mind you. I know she’s wants to be “real” and all, but the stuff she says, like in the new issue of Allure, just leaves me twirling my finger in the air and going, “whoopadeedoo.”

On her OCD and toilets without covers and restaurant silverware:
“This is a sickness, I have an illness,–this is not OK anymore.”

“I’m never doing that again. Every time someone uses a bathroom and they flush, all the bacteria is shot into the air.”

“Putting my mouth where a million other mouths have been, just knowing all the bacteria that you carry in your mouth? Ucch!”

On her provocative interview persona:
“I was trying to be lighthearted and have a sense of humor, but I have no desire to express it, really, anymore, because I’ve always been fucked doing so.”

On food:
“I’ll starve to death before I’ll cook for myself. I think I could survive a week without eating.”

On her love of being alone:
“I could go days, weeks without talking to another human being.”

On being secretly photographed topless while filming ‘Passion Play’:
“If I knew who took this picture, I would personally cause them harm–physical harm, I’m not a fucking reality-TV star that’s courting the paparazzi and wants my fucking picture taken all the time. I’m at my job and I’m trying to play a character and I’m trying to be serious, and this is the s**t that’s happening to me. It makes me furious.”

On compliments:
“I hate receiving compliments; I hate being told I’m talented or people think I’m going to be a movie star. I always feel that it’s forced and fake.”

First of all, the toilet thing is true for when you take a dump. Tiny particles of fecal matter float into the air and you breathe it in. The trick is not to think about it because it does nothing to you. The second part of that, the mouth where millions of other mouths have been, all I have to say to that is she’ll love my penis. It’s a mouth virgin. Should I be advertising that?

On having her tits photographed (that was from Jennifer’s Body, this is what she’s talking about) and courting the paparazzi. Whatever. She knows she’s hot and people want to see her naked. This is to be expected. If she looked like Kathy Bates, it would be another story. But she looks like Megan Fox and this is in every man’s DNA.

Also, the only reason she doesn’t like compliments is because she knows she’s not hugely talented. That’s okay, though. I’d still do her. Megan Fox will probably take comfort in that.

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12 years ago

Is that banner pic really her? She looks like a dowdy Megan Fox or a less ugly Minnie Driver.