Jessica Simpson has a new diet

Jessica Simpson is on a new diet. Not to get thin or anything, no, she says her body is fine as it is, but for, you know, health reasons… Shh. Don’t tell her I told you, but it’s really to get thin.

She posted on Twitter, “Shocked my system with a vegan diet, special Pu-erh tea from China, and cupping since friday! Who am I right now? This might be too clean!”

Jessica is supposed to have gone on a mystical journey with Master Wang. There’s a too easy joke in there so I’ll let you figure that one out.

Jessica then tweeted, “Has anyone ever tried cupping? When u know you are doing something good for ur body the meditation creates intense visions. Love it!” I had to Google cupping. The therapy is apparently when someone puts suction cups on your skin. They say it’s ancient Chinese medicine which I take to mean it’s something the Chinese made up to trick silly Westerners out of their money. That’s probably why they always chuckle when you go to pay the bill.

They probably don’t even use real suction cups. They probably use those cartoon suction cup dolls people put on car windows. Then they take pictures of it and post it on the web. There’s probably one of Jessica with Garfield and Woodstock stuck to her back while a Chinese guy poses next to them with a big smile and two thumbs up.

What’s with Jessica’s eyes in these first three pictures. It looks like she just snorted a fat line of coke.