Johan Santana is frisky

A recently discovered document shows that a Jane Doe accused New York Mets pitcher Johan Santana of sexual battery on a Florida golf course. A report filed in October of 2009, a day after the attack, claims the woman and Santana were on a golf course when he “began to kiss her and pull up her top, unclasping her bra.”

From there, things got less sexy and more rapey. The report goes on, “Johan began to pull at [the accuser’s] skirt/skort and attempt [sic] to place his hands into her underwear.” The victim repeatedly told Johan no, but in Johan’s dictionary, no means yes and yes means more.

The Jane Doe then alleges Santana penetrated her, grabbed and bruised her calf and “ejaculated on her upper thigh.” She cleaned her thigh with her underwear and then went back to the tennis court to watch him play tennis. Wait, what?

Police say DNA evidence proves there was intercourse but the case was closed due to not enough evidence to prove lack of consent and that the victim’s statement is not consistent with other witnesses.

Luckily, the Rape-aXe female condom, which gives any woman vagina dentata, is now out of testing and being distributed for public use. At least in South Africa for the World Cup. Time describes: the device is a latex sheath with barbed spines on the inside. It is inserted into a woman’s vagina much like a tampon. When an assailant attacks a would-be victim, seconds later he finds himself writhing in unknowable pain and must have the device surgically removed.

She should have used that. Then she could have been like that girl from Teeth and Johan Santana could have been like Ben Stiller from Something About Mary and this story would have been even more interesting.

Notify of

Newest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
12 years ago

He sounds like a minute man, or the woman was an idiot. You’d think that somewhere between “pulling on her skirt” and “ejaculating on her thigh”, she’d think, hmm..maybe I’ll run away. If I was a girl and someone was pulling on my skirt, I’d be running at the first tug on my skirt.