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“True Blood” is naked in Rolling Stone

True Blood does torture porn right. Alexander Skarsgard, Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer are all on the cover of Rolling Stone naked and covered in blood.

In the issue, show creator Alan Ball offers up reasons why vampire sex is so great. Ball says it’s because no orifice is spared. Uh huh. Basically it’s this mathematical proof. If Sex = Win and Vampires = Win, then Vampires  + Sex = Double Win.

The idea of celibate vampires is ridiculous, True Blood creator Alan Ball says. “To me, vampires are sex,” he says. “I don’t get a vampire story about abstinence. I’m 53. I don’t care about high school students. I find them irritating and uninformed.” On his show, every available orifice is used for intercourse: gay, straight, between humans and supernatural beings, and supernatural being on supernatural being, whether he be werewolf, dog or an enormous Minotaur-looking being called a maenad. None of the sex is quite as good as vampire sex, though, which can happen at the astonishing rhythm of 120 bpm while simultaneously devouring one’s neck and making your eyes roll back into your head.

Stephen Moyer, who plays Bill Compton, then continues that they’ll even make new orifices to f-ck.

“If we go from a base level, vampires create a hole in the neck where there wasn’t one before. It’s a de-virginization — breaking the hymen, creating blood and then drinking the virginal blood. And there’s something sharp, the fang, which is probing and penetrating and moving into it. So that’s pretty sexy. I think that makes vampires attractive.” He laughs a little. “Plus, Robert Pattinson is just hot, right?”

Well when you put it that way I guess having someone neck f-ck me with their fangs is pretty sexy. I don’t know why I didn’t realize this before. Maybe I was distracted by all the pain, blood and pissing of my pants.

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Jason Sarles

This Rolling Stone cover photo did Eric a disservice. He should’ve dominated the cover with Sookie and Bill hanging off of him on either side, as his huge Viking schlong hangs to the floor.

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