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Lindsay Lohan wrote her apology while drunk

According to Us, Lindsay Lohan wrote her apology tweet on her Blackberry at Magnolia while downing Jack and Cokes. An assistant and a male friend even helped Lindsay craft the apology to sound more personal. According to a witness, the entire time she was writing, Lindsay laughed at how stupid we all were. Then she strangled a kitten or something.

“Her friend would say, ‘No, use ‘setback,’ don’t say ‘mistake.’ They’ll say you make mistakes all the time!” The friend went on, “It’s better to say you’re responsible. Denying it will just get everyone mad per usual.” Lohan’s response: “She giggled” and had her assistant order her another Jack and Coke, the Magnolia spy tells Us.

nce the final copy was sent off to her management team — Lou Taylor and Larry Rudolph, who famously helped Britney Spears clean up — Lohan wasn’t “emotional,” says the witness.

The actress, who has been to rehab four times, even joked about drinking whiskey that night, telling pals, “What are you gonna do? I’m ill” — making air quotes with her fingers.

Lindsay is about as sorry as a fat kid who stole a Whopper. Sure, he acts contrite and says all the right things a guilty fatty would say, but deep down you know that fat ass is already plotting his next great Whopper heist.

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