O.J. Simpson Beaten Unconscious in Prison

The Enquirer reports that O.J. Simpson, 63, who’s doing nine years in Nevada’s Locelock Correction Center for armed robbery, was beaten senseless in the prison yard by a white supremacist.

The incident started when a group of skinheads overheard O.J. bragging about nailing beautiful white women and you know how much skinheads hate that.

Inmates cheered as a muscular young skinhead knocked him to the ground, punching and kicking him to a bloody pulp and inflicting injuries so severe he secretly spent nearly three weeks in the infirmary before he recovered.

Simpson has become so depressed that he’s afraid to leave his cell. Officials from the prison haven’t responded.

He should do what I did and start secretly training in his cell until one day he defeats his attackers in an unsanctioned no holds barred prison tournament organized by the warden, his success turning him into an unwilling hero who eventually earns his release. Wait, was that me or Jean-Claude Van Damme? Whatever the case, at least he didn’t get raped. Silver lining and all that.