Kirstie Alley ‘Performed’ on ‘DWTS’

Last night, Kirstie Alley performed her first dance with her partner Maksim Chmerkovskiy at the premiere of Dancing With the Stars. Kirstie shimmied across the stage while Maksim struggled to support all the weight. Surprisingly, she did well according to the judges who may or may not be grading on the Kirstie Alley curve which is more of an inverted bell curve because the regular bell curve can’t support the weight.

However, the most impressive part was Alley’s heart didn’t explode mid-routine. That thing must have been pumping at 300 beats per minute trying to force blood through her clogged arteries. You could tell she was tired too because she still couldn’t stop wheezing after 5 minutes. I’m surprised her contract doesn’t require an oxygen mask after every performance.